n it's lesser den 2 days.....
alrite

i haf to admit

i'm juz naturally worried abt him...

hope he'll b fine, no matter wad...

little, but meaningfull things..
i juz rmb wad he did:

it was on my notepad -> blog.txt

sths will put my tots on tt notepad...


14/3/2008, friday, 2.34am:
he sent mi an email... regardin some QnA abt frenz n family... n he left a msg in tt mail.. sayin 'Thursday never did come.. we're still save. gdnite'


i saw diz, n i juz cried..
diz was when we were tokin the last time abt whether we shd haf a clean break or nt..
but i was afraid tt thurs(the day we're supposed to meet n tok abt it) will come..
n in the end, he emailed mi diz..

little things lyk mi, always juz make mi veri touched, i guess..
so when he said our love was onli skin-deep, i didnt agree...
i dun, cuz at least i noe tt it's nt lyk tt...

i'm sorry, really sorry...
i noe i disappointed him juz nw
i noe i angered him juz nw
i noe i worried him juz nw
i noe i scared him juz nw
i noe i shocked him juz nw
i noe i hurt him juz nw

i noe i noe i noe!!!!!
i noe i was being stupid n selfish juz nw
i juz wanted to b happy for tt moment n aft juz nw

i juz wan to shout out nw
i juz wan to say a million apologies to him
i wan to tel him i'm really sorry for makin him worry juz nw
i juz wan to go on bended knees to beg him to gif us another chance
but i noe he wldnt
nothing i say will change anythin.. nothing...

i dunno how i should tel him i really wan both of us to nt tk things so lightly n to just cherish diz relationship properly..
i noe tt diz doesnt come by just lidat..
i noe tt we've been thru alot.. 3 yrs r nt just snappin ur fingers n everythin will be gone lidat... tt's y i'm unwilling to gif up nw..
nothing will make mi gif up nw.. wadeva, juz cal mi stubborn...
i dun wan us to wait til there's no more chance to salvage diz den both of us start to regret..
i dun wan anythin to happen to either of us b4 we start to regret..
cuz by den, tt will really b too late for us to do anythin..
the reason y i keep persisting, is juz cuz i really love him alot... n i noe tt he still does too...
we've regretted alot of times in our lives, in our relationship, tt's y i do not wan to gif up at diz point of time, n juz let go of everythin lidat...

i'm sorry, really sorry. 但我真的受伤了。。

sin: envy
i told him i envy jt
n he told mi he envy cs

he told mi he envy cs cuz he had a gf lyk jt
but i will nv compare him to another guy i guess...

in fact, i juz envy jt cuz he can join them n go out wif them tght?
i envy jt cuz at least when she advises cs nt to smoke, he wldnt...

i'm envious of her rite nw ba....
n even he tinks tt she's gd...
he's nv compared mi to oth ppl..
but i guess he's already started it nw..

i dunno since when we turned out lidat...
i dunno since when he started to detest mi..
i cant bring myself to tok to him more
cuz his answers r always veri disappointing..

he can bring himself to chat gals up, to make oth gals happy....

n diz is the extent of mi knowing how much he juz wans to distant himself from mi...

r we?
i feel lyk tellin him

but i dunno wad else i can say

i find tt he detests mi more n more

he dun even feel lyk tokin to mi

i dunno wad else i can do..

he juz keeps on sayin tt we're confused nw.....

hmmm
great
i juz told him abt his msn logging in
he said he blked when i was over-reacting??
n he doesnt log in often (his nick spelt tt he juz logged in ytd)
hmmm..icic...

time is precious
i dunno

i dunno wad i shd do

shd i juz tok to him ltr?

but i'm afraid nth gd will turn out

the get-ready mode
okie
his com went into standby mode, n so as i need to use, i had to log in again
aft tt, his msn logged in
n yeap, he's blocked mi!
juz wad did i do??

i nv intend to...
i nv intend to argue wif him
but i always cant stand the way he's takin things so lightly
y doesnt he even wan to tk the effort to make things up?
y doesnt he even appreciate y i'm tryin to make the effort to mae everythin last?
y can he forget abt so many things juz lidat?
how can he forget wadeva happened in the past n juz go lidat?

i nv intend to call him when i noe tt he has things on
but sths i juz dun wish to hang up cuz i noe when he said he'll tok to mi again, he will nv cal..

i dunno, sths i tink i'm juz worthless in his eyes.. he no longer has the feel for mi....
he no longer wans n bothers to bring mi out to meet his frenz....
all he can find is oth excuses nt to bring mi out.. lyk stan already made bookings, it's freda's bdae party.... things i find tt oth ppl rly wen mind, but he does mind..
alot of things r dependent on him, but it's him who keep pushin it away n juz dun wanna make any efforts for those things...

will he regret if i juz suddenly die tml? or someday? will he regret tt he's nt treatin mi nicely for at least today? will he regret tt he actually didnt wan to meet mi? will he feel bad tt we didnt spend enuff time tght on my last few days? will he feel bad abt how he tok to mi n pushed mi away?

i dunno, but i juz tel myself tt he wldnt, i guess...

even if he regrets, it might rly b too late....

hai....... i dunno wad's the pnt of mi stayin up so late every nite.....

even thou i'm so tired.....

but even thou i noe he wldnt cal at all..

i'm juz waitin helplessly every nite....

but nite by nite, i haf to convince myself to slp.....

n goin to bed doesnt mean i will slp

it still means tt my phone will b rite beside mi, nt on silent mode, n waitin for a very important call to mi.........

m i wrong even to bear the hope inside mi n juz wait helplessly? m i?

n it juz keeps comin..
ah shit!

陈凯琳！！为什么你那么没有用？！！

fuck.
i freakin hate my life w/out him nw

period.
since everythin's in diz mess, i haven been wantin to gif ppl advice at all...

i dun.... tink i'm up to it somehow?

i dunno.. or mayb there might b sth i can do/say to them, but i juz dun wan to...
it makes no pnt.. since my own r/s ended up lidat... since everythin......

i juz stopped tokin.

okie nvm
i juz tot abt him again

shit.

facebook
anyway!

accepted 6 new frenz on facebook juz nw...

some added mi long time ago..
but didnt accept them cuz of..... him.... but nw, i guess it shdnt make much of a diff since he doesnt even bother? plus he already has the heart to flirt n accept oth gals.... so.....

n findin new things to do on facebook nw
tinkin wad else i can do wif it... hmmm.....


hmmm he said he will tok to mi...
but he didnt
he wldnt i guess

shit. fucked up feelin comin back again

how many times a day can i get diz kind of feelin?

it juz comes.. n stops there...
n another 5mins ltr.. it comes back again

does it ever go away??

tokin abt sex n the city...
was readin xiaxua's blog n i happened to c diz....

below:

'I totally hated the Sex and The City movie!!

SPOILERS, so don't continue reading if you haven't watched it yet and want to do so without knowing the ending first. I will mark the end of the spoilers with red stars.1) I hate Carrie.
I hate Carrie for cheating on Aidan. I've never forgave her, and I never will. She not only cheated 1 time on Aidan. She did so MULTIPLE times, and only stopped when Big's wife caught her, chased after her, and chipped a tooth.
She hurt Aidan AND Natasha with her selfishness and her naivety.
I hate her for being stupid enough to spend so much of her life on bad boys, thinking they will eventually reform. They won't.
I hate Carrie for the many, many other naive women out there she represents.

Do you have a friend who has been fucking a guy who either has another first priority woman (ie maybe he is married, or has a gf), or perhaps fucking a guy who doesn't want to commit to her?

We all do, and despite our repeated advice, these girls won't listen.
Why is it, we logical women lament, that these girls think so lowly of themselves?
Is it because they are constantly put down by these horrible guys, until the extent that they are convinced of their low self-worth?

DO THEY NOT DESERVE A GUY WHO IS WILLING TO GIVE HIS ALL? A guy who loves you enough to say, "You are the one" and not "I am not ready for a commited relationship right now"?

I AM FUCKING SICK OF HEARING THAT SHIT.

You fucking retarded girls listen to this, and hear it good: There can only be ONE reason why a guy will not commit to you.

HE DOES NOT THINK YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH.

He thinks that if he leaves his choices open, he can eventually find someone better. He is unwilling to seal the deal because you are not right for him. And meanwhile, you are fuckable, sure - but very dispensible.

You think you'll get your happy ending like Carrie?
YES, if you stick around for another 10 years, maybe he will marry you in a little shitty wedding (paiseh to show you off coz you will never be good enough in his mind) coz by that time, YOU TWO ARE BOTH OLD AND UNWANTED.
There are good, eligible guys out there like Aidan, and yet, women around the world are choosing Mr Bigs. WHY? Maybe because they also want to be ditched before their wedding?
It makes me so pissed off!I really resent that the show portrayed a unrealistic happy ending for women who choose these sort of guys. I resent that I am one of the few women who are smart enough to realise that sort of relationship is only destructive for you.
Please girls, do tell me you agree with me!'

link: www.xiaxue.blogspot.com

muahahaha... bolded n colored the words by myself

hmm

gonna start writin a story soon

random tot while bathing...
hmmm
juz nw suddenly tot....... i tink it's veri unfair tt the frenz of his, ya i noe some of them, but due to some lack of interaction, they're nt rly my frenz (since he said so himself too tt we no longer haf 'our' frenz), tt they shd juz keep their comments to themself.. yes a whole lot of them, i mean..

they dun haf to say anythin whether he shd continue seeing mi or nt.. whether he's rite in treatin mi coldly or nt.... THEY HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO SAY IN IT!

(yes, pls do notice tt i juz use full, n put everythin in RED & CAPITAL cuz i bloody mean business!)

so y do i tink so?

simply juz cuz diz is our relationship n they shd haf no fuckin problem wif it!
n yes, bear the brunt of it if they continue so.. their relationships wen get any beta too, MARK MY WORDS. seriously, tt's wad u get for tryin to put ur own comments in here n there..

or at least i noe one of them is being treated nt veri nicely already?
gd job man, seriously.
so u wanna comment?
fuckin go thru wad i've gone thru 1st, b4 u even start.
if nt, STFU abt it yeah? ty..


n i suddenly tot abt Harry Potter's chamber of secrets...

~ENEMIES OF THE HEIR, BEWARE~

hahahaha.. i sound angry?
yes i m, definitely veri angry.
i dunno since when izzit?
mayb juz nw? aft he juz ditched mi to juz wan to go out wif his fucked-up frenz?
n yes, as much as he doesnt lyk mi to dislyk his frenz, it's greatly cuz of them tt alot of things screw up (dun haf to say i still dunno the reason n there's nth i can do, come on, tt's juz wad he says. his own point of view is tt it's my fault, i shdnt dislyk his frenz.. but YEAH! FUCKIN TINK N GRILL IT INTO HIS FUCKIN BRAIN! WHO WAS THE FUCKIN IDIOTIC ONE WHO NEGLECTED MI N STILL WENT OUT WIF HIS FRENZ WIF THE ONLI REASON AS 'cuz ns is comin.' tt's juz FUCKIN WEAK REASON!).
so yes, he wen c my point of view, SO i WILL NT C HIS POINT OF VIEW!
i've given in enuff too! -> if he wans to say he's given in alot.
i've lose out on alot of things too! but does he care? no, he does nt? so y shd I???!!!
he flirts wif gals?? n loves mi alot?? wa-ha-ha-ha!!! such an irony!!! woohoo..... hahaha..
n when i told him 'so i can do the same as u?'
n he said he's past the jealousy period? n so wad kind of bf wen get jealous over all diz? fucked up rite?????

n yeap, movin on to another pnt, he will juz say n juz ask 'so y shd i listen to u?', 'so who r u nw?'
FUCKIN FUCKED-UP N IRRESPONSIBLE QUESTIONS ASKED, DUN U TINK?!!
here i m tryin to gif every effort i haf to salvage diz, but there he is juz to say all diz FENG LIANG HUA! n yes, i swear everytime he fuckin say diz, it's w/out considering how i feel n i always fuckin cry immd aft he says tt.
KNNB LA!
still can flirt wif gals! ccb!
i'm wad??? DEAD LE AH?!! fucked-up man!

yeah yeah yeah
cal mi a bitch at diz pnt of time for being able to say such things
but i'll shoot u back n say whoeva's a fuckin bastard if u continue shooting ur fuckin mouth off w/out even tinkin wad the hell r u tokin abt..
if u still wan to comment, tink again.

great

nw i'm left wif no dinner

fucked-up

juz sth small n...
i suddenly realised

he's rly changed....

when in the past, he'll bother to buy plasters, put it on for mi n will b rly bothered....
but nw he doesnt even bother..

fucked up
yeah yeah yeah!!

plans were already discussed for tonite
supposed to haf dinner wif him, stan n gang.....
followed by seeing fireworks.....
den go kbox

BUT!!!
notice i put the word supposed?!! haha!! yeap, u might haf gotten it!

he sms:
him: wei we're nt goin kbox already. we mit on mon la. i go ah ma hse find u.
mi: den wad abt dinner? tot u said gt dinner?
him: dinner at somewhere else cuz cs gt wedding dinner
mi: huh wad's the link wif wad i juz asked u?
him: stan already made bookin so nt enuff space sorry
mi: fine. expected of u.
mi: n anyway i dun c tt addin juz another 1 person will hurt? next time, if dun wan mi to join, dun say okie in the 1st place. n dun say i dun wan to go out wif u ppl

damn fucked up rite??

knnbccb
u tink i stupid ah? ccb.
dun wan say dun wan la! fucked up, still can cook up a fuckin dumb reason..

izzit rly so bad to juz let mi go for dinner wif them??

fuck.

fuck those gals who r always bored, fuck those guys who cant stand faithful! nbcb!
ahhhhhhhh
been a rather hectic day today
went to get his stuff
gave it to him..

found out tt he was flirtin over sms wif another gal? (okie there's 2 gals.. but i tink he's so fuckin obvious wif one of them?? even ask 1 of them out n she turned him down.. for diz, he said 'but in the end nv go out!'.. n i shot back bluntly, 'n tt's nt cuz u didnt ask her out, tt's cuz she rejected u!' but i'm serious.. veri true to wadeva i'm sayin.. HE WILL NV UNDERSTAND HOW I FEEL EVERYTIME THIS SAME THING HAPPENS OVER N OVER AGAIN. he doesnt even bother to ask mi out? he doesnt even wan to meet? he doesnt even wan to swt-tok wif mi.. BUT HE'S SO FUCKIN WILLIN TO DO IT WIF OTH GALS! FUCK MAN!)

so i tok abt how i felt n tt it's juz wrong?
he: i'm goin ns soon so i dun rly care le.. nth matters nw le...
mi: nth matters? nt even mi? the pnt is nt tt we broke up or wadsoeva. the pnt is how can u say u rly love mi alot but haf the heart to say such things to oth gals????
him: ya i get it.. i'm rly sry...

was rly terribly upset at tt time... i dunno y diz vicious cycle juz haf to happen over n over again..
so wad izzit tt's makin him nt tink abt consequences 1st, YET AGAIN, n juz do it again???
i simply dun get it.. stop tellin mi ur goin into ns? so wad/ big fuck? tt's nt an excuse anymore!!!

manage to solve things AT TT PNT OF TIME..

went for dinner wif him...

n ya:
he promised he will stop flirtin n will cut down on sms wif the 2 gals....

qn posted to him: i dun say such things to another guy who's nt my bf u noe?
how will he feel if i rly say those n he found out?? will he roll on the ground n shout?? NO, I DOUBT SO..

hmmmm
i dunno.. i forgave him quite readily juz nw..
but we juz tok on the phone.. (finally gt him aft so many tries damn it.. was so freakin worried cuz he wasnt feelin well at all in the 1st place, n when i called, he ans n hung up on mi. aft tt i tried a hell lot of times but none cld get thru at all! so when i finally gt thru, i was so damn relieved... hmmm.. didnt rly expect his change in attitude again) n i asked whether the 2 gals sms him or nt..
he said no? -> okie dun rly feel so.. but if i say diz again, he will say i dun believe him again... hmmm.. shd i argue y i shd since he already did tt alot of times? wad does he wan mi to do? c him someday on the streets huggin another gal n onli to realise tt they're tght?? i swear i will juz stare at them, run off n jump off! fuckin hurting, tt will b...
rite, he said will tok to mi again tml -> told him he always say so, but does he bother to cal? HE DOES NT..
always say another day, but another day wen ever come for mi ba... as usual i guess

i dunno..
thou he said he will cut down on his sms wif tt 2 gals... the impression he gifs mi is juz the opp... u can c tt he's unwilling!! u can c tt he doesnt wan to! u can c tt he detests mi n doesnt even wan to tok to mi!
fuck. m i rly so hateful?
n cant even b compared to 2 fucking gals he met at sgh?? ha-ha!
can he understand tt i rly need the concern nw? he doesnt noe i type all diz cryin, he doesnt noe anythin except to flirt wif gals?? does he noe how painful it is? does he noe how insecure i rly feel nw??? n all he's doin is nt helpin! he's juz makin everythin worse! ya, tel mi tt he still loves mi, wans diz r/s but needs time to tink abt it.. abt wad? flirtin wif oth gals?? thz but i dun need him to remind mi... he's rly nt helpin mi! ahhhh!! damn it!

i dunno, but can i say i'm nt gd enuff??
i dunno.. i dun wan to degrade myself but diz kind of things he did, rly makes mi feel diz way...

o shit
nw tt i start tokin abt him, i cant get my wk started



AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

cal mi stubborn!
gilch decided to haf a go at his r/s wif his gf again
at least both of them r willing to try
at least aft so much, he's willin to try again =)
veri nice feelin to c oth ppl try n nt gif up ba... mayb tt's wad i rly need nw.....
but i dun c it comin..

nonetheless, i juz feel happy for him ba! =)


on a sidenote, feelin quite happy... okie.. mayb nt so happy but tryin to smile nw..
he chased mi away ytd.. he drove mi directly out of his heart..... he even asks mi to let him go if i rly love him.. n yes, precisely i noe tt the mutual affection is there, tt's y i told him i will nt gif up.. he didnt wan to hear mi tok.. n juz said tt the efforts i'm puttin in nw r too late.. he even told mi tt he felt lyk a dog for the past yrs.. n tt i took his obedience for granted.. i COMPLETELY disagree wif diz.. cuz i did nt.. n well, he says i dun even noe wad's wrong.... when i rly juz dunno where to start abt things nw.. n he cant b bothered to tok.. he said everythin i do is onli in my interest, but he probably forgot tt diz decision he made juz goes to show he's in the same league as mi..
n i noe, hes makin things difficult for mi.. he doesnt care whether i'm havin any difficulties in life, doesnt care if i haf depression or wadsoeva.. cuz to him, he lost his self-respect long ago..
n mi? to mi, i felt tt i've lost my self-respect, attention n love..

yes i ought to b rly upset nw.. but fine, enuff abt tt.. go on tokin abt diz n i will feel terribly upset ltr..

but aft a sudden tot of wad i can do for him b4 he goes in for ns, i've turned happier..!!

anyone dunno wad's love?
to mi, it's juz doin all diz small little things ba.. n being happy from it..
even when he doesnt reply my sms, even when he gif a 'cant-b-bothered' attitude, i was juz happy when i called him juz nw(to ask him abt his ns enlisting time n sch cuz nic wanted mi to double cfm wif him so tt he feels beta tt someone he noes from young is goin in the same timing as him..)

nah, i dun care, cuz i'm happy!! it's been long..... but it's still the same, it's for him. weeeeeee........!!!!!

shall blog aft i finished doin my things tml!! goin out wif chu ting to get stuff tml!

abt wad happened ytd at bishan
was rather funny towards the end...