all in one!
alrite alrite!!!! might b a bit naggy today... shd b a long post..
feel lyk postin alot of pics, but dunno how much i can post b4 the hungriness rly rly gets to mi!!

look at the time nw n it reads 5.50am -.-
dun tink tt i enjoy to b awake at diz kind of time.. the truth is... i actually slept at 1.30am n woke up at 2.58am?
rite, cuz he called mi.. tink he didnt expect mi to b aslp already.. i woke up, but didnt pick up...
who ask him to b harsh over the phone juz nw? say he wif ben n louis also need to raise his voice abit de meh?? diz is to teach him!! =xx
okie, say i'm vengeful -.-

but!! he msg mi ard 5.01am? juz nice again.. was juz tinkin abt him den he msg to tel mi tt he's goi to bed le... n he apologised for being harsh earlier on... told mi tt he tried a few dishes in thai express n the next time we go, he'll order those n we'll sample tght! =p

i'm seriously damn hungry nw... i'm juz waitin for mummy to b awake... den i can openly tel her tt i already had my fair share of slp wif juz 1.5 hrs... n after she wakes up, i'm so gonna cook a pack of noodles for myself!!

o yes!! i haf more hk dramas to watch nw already!!
cuz aunt jean borrowed from her fren for mi to watch! *shy*
previously juz finished watchin dicey biz, marriage of inconvenience, fathers and sons, the brink of law.....
rite, pls say i haf gd taste k? cuz all diz r nice! hahaha =x
it's rly worth the time watchin... despite many late nites i had... but it's worth it! so nice lo! n nw, i haf 3 more shows to go!!

anyway, today was in sch for the clubcrawl meetin..
okie!! i shall officially say 'I SERIOUSLY HAD FUN TODAY!!!' =p
it's rly fun workin wif the members n the jr excos!
took a few pics today.. cuz i might b usin those to clock in for nyaa.... so might as well, shall post here! to start off wif......

mi doin the booth banner:

day out!
went to new york new york at citylink for dinner wif some of the edmw-ers today...
usual, fish n chips for mi...

domino seems okie.. nt rly lyk his online self?
rr was quiet..
wake was so late!! cuz he left his hse at 6 n onli reached at 7!
blackie, ed n angie didnt go...
theLove was onli 16.. rather quiet too..
fjc was there too, n tght wif punkists.. they seem to lyk to make fun of mi -.-
(forgot wad exactly it is already, thou..)
o ya.. killua was there too...

we played zhong ji mi ma...
penalty was to drink half cup of water each time a person loses... n i tink wake lost the most times.. tink for him he lost ard 4-5 times...
another penalty was to personally make the candy floss!!
nt bad.. quite nice.... haha..

back to those ppl goin.. shd haf been more.. lyk max n fw... but they rly veri damn last min said they wen b goin.. max's reason was cuz killua was goin.. fw's was cuz it was rainin..
but so? every area is rainin??? wad a fren -.-

n fw onli did msg mi at lyk wad?? 5.55pm when we're supposed to meet at 6pm?

some of them haven exactly been veri encouragin too.. lyk wake.. rr.. hmmm.. thou i noe they dun rly feel comfortable cuz domino was goin..
n wake actually msg mi at 5.13pm to tel mi he's feelin lazy to go out.. thz ah.................. -.-
n yup... tt caused him to b late for the meetin....
he actually mentioned in the thread sayin tt he hoped tt it'll b cancelled...
dun rly understand y he's sayin tt... but since he noes i'm feelin as difficult as it is already, i feel tt he shdnt make mi feel as difficult as it is already?
o well... i dunno.. neither shd i judge..... =)

rr was still okie.. cuz he said he will still go =)

oth ppl lyk acbc had the freakin cheek to complain abt anythin when he's nt goin....
wo shi tmd even said i m despo??????
so i said huh??
n he ask mi 'mai gei gei' --> meanin dun act act
n i didnt get wad he was sayin at 1st...
til happydart said sth lyk mi gettin a prospective husband??
lyk WTH????
y the hell will i need them for when i haf him already???? -.-
n thz to rr... he told them 'she doesnt need... she has her SO already'

thz rr!! =p

n thz to those who attended the outin today!

but comin back, i felt rly sian.. tt i told them i dun feel lyk organisin anymore outings already..
theLove n rr asked mi y...
so i said 'cuz i feel ppl dun rly appreciate it.. so ya.. esp to those who didnt go, i dun c the need to say so much, or mayb, too much abt it? too kpo ba?'
n acbc said 'sowwie.. i wen say le :('
n when it's already done???
wowwwwwwww.................
HA-HA!

n ya.. dun feel lyk despite feelin so lyk organisin bbq for the next outin for the tavern regulars...
so i called him.. n he said rly veri swtly to mi.. said tt he n ben will organise.. just to show his sincerity in wantin to interact more wif them.. for this, i rly appreciate him.. he's the 1st one to make mi feel appreciated for today ba, at least =)
n he asks mi nt to feel too upset n sian abt it...
tt's wad i love.. always able to rant to him n i can feel beta.. esp after hearin his swt voice.. *shy*
haha...

toked for 2hrs n 1 min juz nw.... woo.... shiok! hahaha..
i hope we can carry on being so swt to each oth...
hope for the best n nth else.. =)

random...
alrite! i tink i'm happier den b4 le! at least much beta ba.. =)
gd fri today.. stayed at hm all the way til after dinner..
went to meet him n had fish n chips! =x
okie... n to tel the truth.. we felt tt my appetite has improved by quite alot!
rite, meanin eat alot la! -.-
thou my dinner wasnt tt much.. but was quite surprised tt i cld finish all my food...........

went to ntuc to walk ard.. we saw quite alot of things.. lyk some bbq stuff.. some facial products.. diff kinds of utensils..... didnt rly wan to come back hm after tt... so we waited for 25 to come hm.. the bus queue looked quite empty for an hr lyk tt... so we assume tt the bus juz went...
tok abt quite a no of stuff... n i told him tt i was super sian cuz i still haf to go back to sch tml.... on a sat, yes...

but gonna go to the market in the mornin 1st...!! to get sth done~

n tokin abt bbq stuff.....
was tokin to wake ytd abt the next bbq.. was tinkin of havin another bbq at perhaps, black's hse..
juz keep tinkin abt the food, to b honest! hahaha =x

asked mummy to gimme 10 bucks for transport tml...
den she was applyin her axe oil in the process... when i asked....
she said: 'use ur ang pow $$'
mi: dun wan la.... i use to top up til goin to no more le :(
she kept askin mi to use.. den i juz kept refusing.... hahaha...
n after she finished applyin the oil on her head... she dabbed one spot of it on my face!
den i said 'MUMMY! u juz applied tt le!'
n she juz laughed -.-

but movin on, she asked mi to get the money from dad.... =x
hahahaha...

gonna dress up nicely tml.. been a veri long time since i get myself out of my hse n to a further-than-orchard place -.-

n i'm gonna cityhall to meet edmw frenz tml! =)
een a veri long time since i met up wif them...
thou it's nt the usual grp.. but still, doesnt rly matter.. wad matters is everyone can get along fine =)

feel lyk postin pics!!
but haf totally no idea of wad i shd post -.-
mayb i will tink of it 1st b4 i post any......................

pass!!!!!!
I PASS!!!!!!!!

HAHAHA! I PASS ALL!

N I'M GONNA GET A BUFFET! HAHAHAHA
THZ TO WAKE IN Advance! hahaha

results!!
results shd b out soon.................

damn scared sia -.-

n wake says he will treat mi to a whole day 'meals' if i pass all...
if nt, onli 1 meal...

let mi pass all, pls......................................

EDMW wallpapers
2 wallpapers tt ACBC did for us using some of our avatars...


1st wallpaper

2nd wallpaper


quite nicely done rite? =)

pls, juz for us...
i tok to him over the phone...
he noes he's been selfish... but he wldnt do anythin...
he's deprivin us the chance of havin any more chances we might even haf in the 1st place...

ytd he came over...
but he didnt tok much abt it.. he juz slept, we went over for lunch, n he came back n continue to slp.. while i juz did my hsehold chores quietly, nt wantin to disturb him...

tt day whereby we were supposed to meet... n i told him tt i've seriously been understanding tt day...
til he said 'by default ur uncomfortable wif everyone...'
i felt great disappointment... but all he cld say is 'sry', 'okie okie.. i'll go n meet u nw k?', 'i noe it's my fault..'
but those wasnt rly wad i want to hear...
there wasnt any action proven to show tt he still wans diz r/s...

alot of things haf rly prove tt diz rly means nth to him...

he can b late for everythin n anythin... --> pathetic to b waitin for him
he juz push aside wadeva i say as nth... --> there's no pnt in sayin more
abt smokin, abt goin for his exam, abt nt goin out til so late.......
everythin is wad i say n he wldnt gif a dumb fuck abt it....
he told mi tt he wen smoke anymore, but he still did...
he told mi tt he will go for his exam, but he can even lie to mi sayin tt he did go for the exam.. kinda stupid...
he told mi tt he wen hang out til so late, 11-12 will b the latest, n once he start wk, he wen hang out anymore, n tt day (tink sun??) was the last nite tt he will hang out wif his frenz... but he's still goin out wif them AGAIN tonite...
i said okie of cuz... wad else can i say? even if i say no, he will insist tt i'm pickin a quarrel wif him... n wans mi to understand tt he's goin into NS soon... n tt he juz wans to hang out wif his frenz for nw...
den doesnt it occur to him tt i wen even haf the feelins to carry on wif him after he goes into NS?
doesnt it occur to him tt besides the fact tt he wen b able to meet his frenz as often, he wen b able to meet mi often as well??
n he will say 'but i've been meetin u more den i meet my frenz for the past 3 yrs, so y cant i meet them more nw?'
i'm nt sayin it's wrong.. n i always encourage him to meet up wif his frenz... BUT NT TO THE FUCKIN EXTENT WHEREBY HE CAN MEET THEM ALMOST EVERYDAY TIL 5AM IN THE MORNIN N DOESNT MEET MI FOR MORE DEN A WK N HE DOESNT FEEL ANY FCKIN SHIT ABT IT!


it's juz unfair...
n he can even tel mi things lyk 'they goin town. i sian la' --> sian den dun go??? HA-HA???

'i noe. i understand. but there r things i wanna do. ppl i wanna meet ma..' --> meet them almost every fuckin day's nt enuff for him??? n dun tel mi understand when ur nt fuckin doin anythin..

'i read ur blog n i finally noe how ur feelin abt things.. i'm sry... i will spend more time wif u okie?' --> so where the hell is he when i need him the most??? i dun c him ard... more den a wk... i onli c wake, ed, veg, n others askin mi how haf i been? whether i'm feelin okie or nt? n i wonder 'who the hell is my bf????'

'i will fulfil the promises but i it's to pls u den i might as well dun promise but it's for myself so when i get to wk more den i wen b meetin them..' --> so the promises he made r nth? all worthless?? n i can SWEAR TT EVERY PROMISE HE MADE IS FOR HIMSELF DEN JUZ TO PLS MI... quit smokin is for health's reasons, no? nt hangin out til so late is cuz of tt too, no? goin for exam also for himself, no????? i'm wad? tokin to a pri sch kid here, no?????
i told him tt he is 'god damn selfish'--> for the record, i dun use the words 'god damn' so nw ur seein sth here =)
told him tt he keeps expectin mi to b understanding (n i haf been so for the past 3 yrs, i'm proud to say diz!) towards him n when i do, he juz tks mi for granted... (errr.... so, wad nw???)
n ya, nt to forget, those promises he made 'for himself' (muz b said specifically), he still failed them =)
told him tt he's nt plsin mi or anythin for god's sake... n i'm angry cuz he's nt bloody fuckin doin anythin for US! everythin's juz for him, him n himself =)
n ya, told him to self check when haf i nt been understanding for the past 3 yrs...
all the lies wldnt haf occurred if i wasnt too understandin??

ya, some ppl might even say tt i'm stupid enuff to believe him time n time again..

rite, n so i agree, i'm stupid, ya but y? all cuz of diz bloody fuckin guy who juz does things for himself, nv considerin how i will feel...
so wad if he noes tt he's been selfish? he's nt doin anythin for US!
wen b able for him to understand wadeva it is..
IMPOSSIBLE for him to noe y i'm feelin all diz shit...
nv once occur to him tt he's takin mi for granted...

n everythin he does wrong, he juz purely tinks tt sayin sry will dismiss everythin when he still does it another time.......
eg quoted:'i already said i'm sry for tt day!' --> n so y r u still doin diz to mi??

it's pntless tellin mi all diz when one's nt doin anythin to improve it rite????
he's constantly runnin away?
he nv once treated mi seriously when i say things (whether i'm too sensitive or nt)...
eg quoted: 'u suddenly so serious then i beta tok ltr or anytime. dun wanna anyhow say things'

after which the evenin msg was sent (n fyi, i've told him tt i'm tokin serious stuff way b4?), i replied n for tt record, we didnt tok abt it anymore =)

he went to slp ard 12 odd n we didnt say anythin abt tt already...

there were times i wan to leave him juz lidat...
memory loss? juz need to cut off the memories of US... den i can forget any unhappy events..
or to b exact, juz disappear from diz earth.. whether he regrets or nt after tt, it's how he feels... since he care none of mi abt how i feel, it's pntless tinkin abt how he will feel after tt...
whether he wans to regret/repent or wadsoeva after tt, it's N.O.M.B..
but knowin him so well, he will regret, but he will forget wad happens in awhile...
he always does! =)

to mi, he might juz noe wad's goin on between us n everythin.. but he juz doesnt wan to solve anythin... he's juz escapin.. he's always findin excuses for himself.. y he doesnt wan to attend mass, y he doesnt wan to go mm, y he cant wake up on time, y he didnt go for his exam, y he's been smokin... he juz wans to haf fun n nth else.. i'm greatly disappointed by his reactions... but can anybody tel mi wad else can i do??

i can b disappointed a few times...
but i dun wan him to do all diz to himself..
the img of him succeedin in life, the img of US happily tght.. everythin's gone...

i'm prayin to god for his sake, for OUR sake... i juz wan US to b happy once again..
dun wan him to dig his own grave.. wan him to b healthy.. wan him to b the Shawn I noe n love.. the one i noe who always is able to plan for his own future...
dun wan him to b lost anymore...

givin up soon...
alrite...
he said he's nt out of control.. but he's WAY out of control...
he told mi he wldnt go out wif his frenz again tonite.. will slp early so he can meet mi on time tml.. but i juz called him n guess wad??

HE'S IN LOUIS'S CAR DRIVIN ARD.......... LYK AGAIN????????????????????????
HOW MANY FUCKIN TIMES DO THEY HAF TO MEET A WK?!!!!!

DUN TEL MI IT'S THE FREAKIN LAST NITE CUZ THEY'RE STARTIN WK!
CUZ THERE WILL B DEFINITLY, ANOTHER DAY WHEREBY HE CAN JUZ SAY 'tml startin wk late, so can go out.. dun worry, wen b too late'....

u noe how many FUCKIN TIMES I'VE HEARD IT???!!!

i rly dunno wad else i can say to him...
he's nt even tryin hard???

if tml he rly cant meet mi at 10, i rly, rly haf to forget it..
cuz it juz goes to show how sincere he is abt diz whole thing.......

after tt, seriously wadeva... wadeva if he wans to says everythin is always up to mi etc.. wadeva =)

it hurts
i dun wan tml to come..
i absolutely hate it!

bleeding love

"Bleeding Love"

Closed off from love
I didn't need the pain
Once or twice was enough
And it was all in vain
Time starts to pass
Before you know it you're frozen

But something happened
For the very first time with you
My heart melts into the ground
Found something true
And everyone's looking round
Thinking I'm going crazy

But I don't care what they say
I'm in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don't know the truth
My heart's crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding Keep,
keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open

Trying hard not to hear
But they talk so loud
Their piercing sounds fill my ears
Try to fill me with doubt
Yet I know that the goal
Is to keep me from falling
But nothing's greater
Than the rush that comes with your embrace
And in this world of loneliness
I see your face
Yet everyone around me
Thinks that I'm going crazy, maybe, maybe

But I don't care what they say
I'm in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don't know the truth
My heart's crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open

And it's draining all of me
Oh they find it hard to believe
I'll be wearing these scars
For everyone to see I don't care what they say
I'm in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don't know the truth
My heart's crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open and I
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open and I
Keep bleeding Keep, keep bleeding love

closure again??
i dunno whether i've been too much or nt, requestin tt i get all the stuff back..
gonna do the same to him.. i juz didnt wan to look back n regret again...
since he requested, since he said i can find another beta person, since he siad he didnt wan to hurt mi anymore...
all diz in exchange of everythin tt we gave each oth..
i dun rly wan to look back n regret again, draggin the matter on n on..
n i dun wan him to make it difficult for mi..
by keepin those, it will juz make mi feel tt he doesnt haf the intention to let go...
i dun wan both of us to regret again lyk wad happened tt time.. we rly regretted it...
nw tt he's mentioned it, i juz wan both of us to tk back all the things we haf..
so tt nt even a trace of memory is left =)

there might b the memories we haf.. but humans beings, they will forget wad happened in the past as time goes by... as they find someone else =)

worth nth? or too priceless to handle???
diz mornin, or rather afternoon, he didntmanage to meet mi.. usual reason..

i woke him up earlier, n he said he will wake up, but when i called him back ard 2 plus, nearin to 3, he juz woke up.. he juz apologised.. after which i said no need to say sry... lyk wad's the pnt?? whole cycle repeats everytime he wakes up late n i'm supposed to forget everythin n nt get upset/angry after a word sry has been said?

n he carried on, sayin tt he understands.... hmmm.. so? understand y i'm angry but still wake up late??

i was kind of pissed after tt.. n i juz gt myself a sandwich n a cup of milo in sch for lunch..
when it's supposed to b egg wif noodles cooked by him?? hmmmm...........

he msg mi ard 5 plus after tt... apologisin yet again, but i told him the same thing.. n he said tt his punishment is nt being able to meet mi today.... hmmm.. den my punishment is always the same? nt being able to meet, to add on, hear the same things over n over again...

i was doin my stuff n i felt beta..
didnt stay much angry after tt.. i dunno, m i used to it already??

when he went over to his aunt's hse for dinner, i went to ah ma's hse for dinner too..
had meat, egg, luncheon meat for dinner... n in addition, cuz i wasnt able to haf my noodles diz noon, ah ma cooked a pack for mi n gal to share.... well, i juz wan to eat it somehow...
didnt reply his msg... til after dinner, when a msg came in... askin mi whether i've eaten....
i replied n he was glad tt i did...
wasnt much angry already...

til...

he said he was goin out to prata hse again wif louis, wendy, cs n edmund..
at such a godly hr again.. 11 plus.. huh?????

n i tot i juz tok to him abt his priorities diz afternoon?
y muz he keep hangin out so late??
nw he said he will go hm ard 1-2.. n he will msg mi n cal mi when he's hm...

so.. 1 pass.. 2 pass....
goin 3!
n i decided to call him... after doin my stuff for the whole day...

i called... n i asked 'r u still outside?'
him: no i'm hm already
mi: tot u said u'll msg mi???

hmmmmmm.............. rite, he forgot again! =D

n he apologised AGAIN!! how great rite?!! to be disappointed by him again...

i've been tinkin whether sry might even mean anythin to mi in the future...
since hearin too many sorrys might numb mi eventually??

n i tot, m i rly so worthless?? nt even worth a msg? nt even someone worth wakin up earlier? (yeah i noe he does wake up early, but i'm sry, it rly disappoints mi... again n again...)
is it rly so difficult to rmb wad i say??
all the toks abt priorities, health risks, disappointment...

i dun wan to get used to diz kind of things... it rly makes mi wonder how impt m i... despite all the things i've done... 3 yrs n i'm nt worth anythin?? hmmm.......