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Tuesday, March 18, 2008
pls, juz for us...
i tok to him over the phone...
he noes he's been selfish... but he wldnt do anythin...
he's deprivin us the chance of havin any more chances we might even haf in the 1st place...

ytd he came over...
but he didnt tok much abt it.. he juz slept, we went over for lunch, n he came back n continue to slp.. while i juz did my hsehold chores quietly, nt wantin to disturb him...

tt day whereby we were supposed to meet... n i told him tt i've seriously been understanding tt day...
til he said 'by default ur uncomfortable wif everyone...'
i felt great disappointment... but all he cld say is 'sry', 'okie okie.. i'll go n meet u nw k?', 'i noe it's my fault..'
but those wasnt rly wad i want to hear...
there wasnt any action proven to show tt he still wans diz r/s...

alot of things haf rly prove tt diz rly means nth to him...

he can b late for everythin n anythin... --> pathetic to b waitin for him
he juz push aside wadeva i say as nth... --> there's no pnt in sayin more
abt smokin, abt goin for his exam, abt nt goin out til so late.......
everythin is wad i say n he wldnt gif a dumb fuck abt it....
he told mi tt he wen smoke anymore, but he still did...
he told mi tt he will go for his exam, but he can even lie to mi sayin tt he did go for the exam.. kinda stupid...
he told mi tt he wen hang out til so late, 11-12 will b the latest, n once he start wk, he wen hang out anymore, n tt day (tink sun??) was the last nite tt he will hang out wif his frenz... but he's still goin out wif them AGAIN tonite...
i said okie of cuz... wad else can i say? even if i say no, he will insist tt i'm pickin a quarrel wif him... n wans mi to understand tt he's goin into NS soon... n tt he juz wans to hang out wif his frenz for nw...
den doesnt it occur to him tt i wen even haf the feelins to carry on wif him after he goes into NS?
doesnt it occur to him tt besides the fact tt he wen b able to meet his frenz as often, he wen b able to meet mi often as well??
n he will say 'but i've been meetin u more den i meet my frenz for the past 3 yrs, so y cant i meet them more nw?'
i'm nt sayin it's wrong.. n i always encourage him to meet up wif his frenz... BUT NT TO THE FUCKIN EXTENT WHEREBY HE CAN MEET THEM ALMOST EVERYDAY TIL 5AM IN THE MORNIN N DOESNT MEET MI FOR MORE DEN A WK N HE DOESNT FEEL ANY FCKIN SHIT ABT IT!


it's juz unfair...
n he can even tel mi things lyk 'they goin town. i sian la' --> sian den dun go??? HA-HA???

'i noe. i understand. but there r things i wanna do. ppl i wanna meet ma..' --> meet them almost every fuckin day's nt enuff for him??? n dun tel mi understand when ur nt fuckin doin anythin..

'i read ur blog n i finally noe how ur feelin abt things.. i'm sry... i will spend more time wif u okie?' --> so where the hell is he when i need him the most??? i dun c him ard... more den a wk... i onli c wake, ed, veg, n others askin mi how haf i been? whether i'm feelin okie or nt? n i wonder 'who the hell is my bf????'

'i will fulfil the promises but i it's to pls u den i might as well dun promise but it's for myself so when i get to wk more den i wen b meetin them..' --> so the promises he made r nth? all worthless?? n i can SWEAR TT EVERY PROMISE HE MADE IS FOR HIMSELF DEN JUZ TO PLS MI... quit smokin is for health's reasons, no? nt hangin out til so late is cuz of tt too, no? goin for exam also for himself, no????? i'm wad? tokin to a pri sch kid here, no?????
i told him tt he is 'god damn selfish'--> for the record, i dun use the words 'god damn' so nw ur seein sth here =)
told him tt he keeps expectin mi to b understanding (n i haf been so for the past 3 yrs, i'm proud to say diz!) towards him n when i do, he juz tks mi for granted... (errr.... so, wad nw???)
n ya, nt to forget, those promises he made 'for himself' (muz b said specifically), he still failed them =)
told him tt he's nt plsin mi or anythin for god's sake... n i'm angry cuz he's nt bloody fuckin doin anythin for US! everythin's juz for him, him n himself =)
n ya, told him to self check when haf i nt been understanding for the past 3 yrs...
all the lies wldnt haf occurred if i wasnt too understandin??

ya, some ppl might even say tt i'm stupid enuff to believe him time n time again..

rite, n so i agree, i'm stupid, ya but y? all cuz of diz bloody fuckin guy who juz does things for himself, nv considerin how i will feel...
so wad if he noes tt he's been selfish? he's nt doin anythin for US!
wen b able for him to understand wadeva it is..
IMPOSSIBLE for him to noe y i'm feelin all diz shit...
nv once occur to him tt he's takin mi for granted...

n everythin he does wrong, he juz purely tinks tt sayin sry will dismiss everythin when he still does it another time.......
eg quoted:'i already said i'm sry for tt day!' --> n so y r u still doin diz to mi??

it's pntless tellin mi all diz when one's nt doin anythin to improve it rite????
he's constantly runnin away?
he nv once treated mi seriously when i say things (whether i'm too sensitive or nt)...
eg quoted: 'u suddenly so serious then i beta tok ltr or anytime. dun wanna anyhow say things'

after which the evenin msg was sent (n fyi, i've told him tt i'm tokin serious stuff way b4?), i replied n for tt record, we didnt tok abt it anymore =)

he went to slp ard 12 odd n we didnt say anythin abt tt already...

there were times i wan to leave him juz lidat...
memory loss? juz need to cut off the memories of US... den i can forget any unhappy events..
or to b exact, juz disappear from diz earth.. whether he regrets or nt after tt, it's how he feels... since he care none of mi abt how i feel, it's pntless tinkin abt how he will feel after tt...
whether he wans to regret/repent or wadsoeva after tt, it's N.O.M.B..
but knowin him so well, he will regret, but he will forget wad happens in awhile...
he always does! =)

to mi, he might juz noe wad's goin on between us n everythin.. but he juz doesnt wan to solve anythin... he's juz escapin.. he's always findin excuses for himself.. y he doesnt wan to attend mass, y he doesnt wan to go mm, y he cant wake up on time, y he didnt go for his exam, y he's been smokin... he juz wans to haf fun n nth else.. i'm greatly disappointed by his reactions... but can anybody tel mi wad else can i do??

i can b disappointed a few times...
but i dun wan him to do all diz to himself..
the img of him succeedin in life, the img of US happily tght.. everythin's gone...

i'm prayin to god for his sake, for OUR sake... i juz wan US to b happy once again..
dun wan him to dig his own grave.. wan him to b healthy.. wan him to b the Shawn I noe n love.. the one i noe who always is able to plan for his own future...
dun wan him to b lost anymore...

~ { 4:44 PM }
aiming for the sky above;