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Saturday, February 02, 2008
i'm tired... juz tired... n i dun noe how to carry on anymore...
i went to gelare to look for him today... been plannin for a few days already.. juz wanted to keep him company...
ya, i knew his cousin, patricia was there.. wif 2 of her frenz... so when i reached... his sis was there too.. n he was suprised to c mi there cuz i didnt tel him tt i was goin..

awhile ltr his sis left..

n i found it weird tt he was msgin at tt pnt of time.. so i asked him who izzit... so he said patricia... turned out tt she asked him whether it's mi... (askin whether i'm the gf? ya sth along diz lines... i dunno.. cuz i didnt c.... =p)

after awhile, my phone was low batt... so i decided to c wad's there to browse for his hp... so i asked him for his... n he asked mi to wait... n i saw him deletin some stuff... so i asked 'y muz del??'
n he: wan to show u sth...

tink he said sth tt meant it to b... 'free some space.. so easier to c'

n errrr??????? wad's the use of deleting onli 2-3 msgs in ur sentbox? how will tt help??

so after awhile, when i returned him his phone... n i rmbed tt he said tt he wanted to show mi sth.... i asked him wad was it... so he said 'o.... i showed u the pic of the cup of coffee already rite??'


lyk duh!! cant b he forgot he showed mi ytd?????????????
sry i'm nt so forgetful... ty..

as for whether it's to free the freakin space by deletin 2-3 msgs, i'll nv noe...

all i noe is i'm onli solely reminded of how tt fuckin bitch (no, the 2nd one.. the one who msg him when he was in hospital last time)...

yes, bitch to refer to tt 2 cuz they're bloody desperate for love ya??

when we went to get dinner after wad seems lyk such a long time, we reached the foot court n i asked him wad he wanted to eat... b4 tt, i wanted to rly tok to him nicely... but after he said 'i dunno how to say'....

tt goes... nth for mi to say to him as well... wad else can i say to him? n everytime he says diz... i absolutely hate it... cuz everything will remind mi of the fuckin 1st bitch..... which one to believe? i rly dun noe =)


when i juz tot abt changin the topic, i asked him wad he wanted to eat... n he said 'i dun wan.. nt hungry...'
mi: okie... den let's go back lo... i also dun wan to eat le....

n i juz walked off lidat....

it's lyk... i waited for so long juz to wan to haf a gd dinner wif him n he told mi tt??? lyk WTH???

yes... even he himself said i shdnt haf gone today... can use it to tk a rest at hm... but still?? i'm nt sayin i'm noble or great or anythin... i juz wan to b appreciated by him.. he told mi he still care.... care as in? in wad way??? cal mi everyday, full stop, the end???
he walked back when he noticed tt i was missin... n found mi somewhere near the nike shop...

he said he was hungry le... so we walked back...

a customer came, sat down for a waffle n a drink.. n went off... she dropped her wallet in the shop.. n when he was clearin the area, he saw it on the floor n ran out to return it to her.. felt proud of him... thou he said he cld haf earned extra money... bit i knew he was juz jk n he will nt do such a thing...... so i said 'u tink i will believe u will do such a thing meh?' n he smiled =)

after dinner everythin was still fine.... til when we tok abt tml's plans... where to eat... wad time to meet.. n when he said 3.45.... i seriously dun feel lyk goin out anymore...
1-i hate goin out late on wkends.... i will haf totally no mood to go out as.....
2-the day will b shorter for both of us n......
3-we will haf to go hm earlier

told him it will depends.... i'l gif him a call tonite again to c if i still wan to go or nt.... n he said 'okie'

so y 3.45? yeap, cuz of his mm again.... i used to haf totally nth against him goin.... seriously... in the past i can even wait for him for a few hrs til he comes to meet mi from prac...

but den???? has he forgotten wad made us broke up n were separated for the past few mths??
yes, he told mi he can gif mm up... tt's wad he said... but he will nv b able b able to do it...
i dun expect him to gif it all up... i juz need him to b by my side... n he noes it... so y expect mi to always gif in when it comes to diz??? haven i been givin in enuff?

he can keep praising cs's current gf for all i care, seriously... sayin she has rly been tolerant of cs for at least half a yr.... to one yr... but has he ever wondered how much his own gf has tolerated even more den cs's gf??

u wan mi to count how long izzit??? i can staway tel u it will jolly well b MORE than 2 n a half freakin yrs... so wad??? y appreciate oth ppl's gf when u haf ur own gf to b concerned n care abt??

he even said 'i rly haf to b at the prac tml... if u wan to tel mi u juz need a bf who can b by ur side, den i need to tel u... i need to go for mm tml.. n i need u to b understandin'


HAHAHAHAHA!! wad a big fuckin jk! come to tink of it nw... wad does it exactly mean? nth dawned upon mi til nw.. STILL means tt mm is more impt?????

yeah, i finally noe wad's on his mind.. i noe wad he told oth ppl...

he said 'our r/s is nt of the priority nw... wad i'm tinkin abt is ns n mm....'

okie....... i can jolly well kill myself tght wif the tot of him carin for mi more... i will nv get it... cuz he will nv do it....


n tt day.. when i was at the bus stop... i called him wantin to haf a veri nice chat wif him...
n in the end??? he assumed tt i didnt try for my assignment when the freakin fact is tt i specially stayed back after sch tt day to do my assignment... i didnt noe how to do... but i guess wad's the concern there was tt 'u shd use ur time on YOU-KNOW-WHERE to do ur assignment..'


y freakin say til as if i didnt try doin???
y cannot say sth lyk 'u deserve a break... go hm n relax after tryin for a whole day le alrite?'

in the end, i told him.. 'i regret callin u'

said bb n hung up....

ytd quarrelled yet again on the phone.. juz felt tt he didnt understand mi...
was tokin abt my iap... n told him my worries... wad if i dunno how to do etc...
at the end of it, i juz felt tt he didnt understand wad i was goin thru...

n i tot i cld haf felt beta... it wldnt hurt as much if it's other ppl tellin mi those stuff tt he said..

but y him? when i tot all along he understood...

i started cryin.................

we hung up the phone n i sat there readin mag.. after finishin it, i felt veri lost.... tinkin abt it again.... tears suddenly rolled uncontrollably down my cheeks... n i had the sudden urge to jump down..... it was a veri quick tot... but i dismissed it almost immd.... we msg.. n i told him nt to worry abt mi... will b fine n told him to juz wait for my sms diz mornin to let him noe i'm fine...

so i called him diz mornin... n he was still slpin... he said he was holdin the phone so tt he noes when i haf smsed him.... i giggled n after tt, he went back to slp n i was on my way to sch...


was rly upset so i took the chance (when he was takin a rest inside the counter), took my bag.. n walked out of the shop... walked ard suntec n marina sq all alone...

he onli msg mi ard 9.44? when i was bathin... saw the msg ard 9.56?

he said sry, asked mi to forgif him n told mi tt he rly has to go tml... told mi will meet mi tml after prac n hope tt i'm safe....

ard 10.12, he told mi he's at holland v already.. he had agreed to meet up wif his cousin n frenz.... wil took a cab so they can go down tght... his hp is low batt but will try to msg mi as much as possible.. n he's worried...

who's the one who said he will nt drink?? hmmmmmm.... i wonder.....

12.56am - told mi will wait for mi at 12 ard my hse tml... ask mi dun wake up too late... n loves mi too much to lose mi...

but i wonder.... will he b late again???


day by day, quarrels build up.... n i get sick n tired of it...
y? ppl's main concern isnt u nw? so y stay so emotional abt it?
so tml he's willin to accompany mi... wad abt the next time?
i've told him b4... i dun wan to b understandin anymore... mayb mayb... mayb i've been far too understandin in the past... to the extent whereby he starts to keep things from mi... starts to neglect mi...
today i sat there n tot to myself 'one day i might juz tel him.. i dun love u anymore'

who noes whether tt will happen.. who noes when will it happen.. but everythin is makin mi lose faith... it makes i doubt tt he still loves mi as much.. it makes mi doubt tt i'm rly, still the onli one in his heart... i'm tired, n i juz dunno how to carry on...

~ { 1:21 AM }
aiming for the sky above;