life is juz alittle sth from mi to u!!!

2011-06-26T10:26:00.001+08:00

and i start to regret it.

isn't it just stupid?

2011-06-13T21:05:00.001+08:00

i think i'm living among the clouds now.

or rather, happy enough to make sure i plan for my future now. :)

2011-02-21T22:40:00.001+08:00

cuz i cant act as if nothing's happened.

2010-10-22T11:57:00.000+08:00

i think he grew tired of it gradually.
and i grew to dislike everything slowly.

2010-05-20T12:22:00.002+08:00

i walked up to him and asked him: do you have a moment to spare?
he said: wait a while...
after waiting for a bit, i just walked away.

i walked up to him again after some time, and asked him the same question.
this time, i also asked: are you busy?
he said: yes, very busy.
after that, he was sorting his stuff and i walked away again.
i thought: i don't have to say this. it doesn't really matter i guess.

so i walked away, without telling him that i am missing him.

2010-05-19T20:04:00.002+08:00

can i say i'm tired too?
guess everyone is.
or maybe both of us are.
that's why maybe both of us need a break from each other.
i'm not saying i'm tired of him. but ya, u nv rly will know how the other party feels.

i feel fucked up at work too.
with people yelling here and there, people like jessie jumping to BIG and WRONG conclusions and scolding you for no apparent reason - NO, she doesnt apologize at all. and she's fabulously stupid for having no reasons to get loud with others at all. excellent. excellently disgusting shit.

great example of how stupid she is:
- she asks how does she sees the technical feedbacks of the team this month, and she kept asking where is it. (supposed to be in MS access, but she kept asking how come nv show her - it was nv a thing to show her, cuz she has access, and she can jolly well open the program and check it out herself. it has to be that way.) so i was like telling her 'now only left access, no more excel.'
she: den how come nv show to me?
after explaining abit and she demanding more, i told her: jessie, can you open up access and check it urself?
den she began to say : okie. den see how 1st. im busy.
mi: okie.
*****
out of goodwill, i decided to help her compile the feedback from access and email it to her.
so i did, and she replied, saying she wants the solutions as well.
like wtf?
o pls. i'm not obliged to even help email to her you know that?
it was purely out of GOODWILL and RESPECT for an elderly lady/senior colleague like her that i decided to just help compile. the rest, if she rly wants to know, go and check it out herself la! KNS!
o ya. forgot to mention, not even a word of thanks from her.
i hope no matter what she does from now on, nobody thanks her at all. seriously. just to let her know how it feels. (come to think abt it, she wouldnt know, cuz she doesn't rly help ppl ard.)

-------------------------------
back to topic.
i don't know how long will the break be.
but i hope everything will be back to normal.
and when i say normal, i mean back to 26th sept. :)

2010-05-14T10:07:00.002+08:00

maybe i should change my job or sth like that.
it seems pointless anyway.

and i hate doing meaningless stuff.
no challenges, no achievements, no encouraging people around, only those who push you down.

okie, maybe my reporting officer's not bad. at least she tries to encourage me.

other than that, really, forget it.

okie, maybe there's a fair few who's nice at work. FEW.
and they're people like Jia Le, Tien Siang, Mdm Ong, Mdm Tan and a few more of the temps. just a few more.
the rest of the people are just political bitches, be it males or females.
not that the gender matters anyway, cuz it's like you have to face them everyday.
all of us just put on a smile when we see each other. no choice, may that be.

like some fair few, will 'sister! why you always see me never say hello to me?!'
den i'll be like: u also never say hello to me, u like so busy le. dont disturb you. / i busy running here n there leh..

if i dont say hello to you, it just means i cant be bothered to.
if i dont smile at you, it means you are not that friendly towards me too. so why should i?
everything on top or else it's cuz i'm purely busy and just cant be bothered with you.
UNLESS your name is Jia Le, Clement or SK.

yeah. i'm just that kind of person. i don't get friendly with people as long as they don't appeal to me.
i'm very straightforward, so once someone pisses me off, they dont really get away with it without my sarcasm too.
so ya, don't bitch ard with me! :)

-----------------

just got 'maligned' by one of the senior staff again. i call her mk.
always doing f-up things. blaming others ard her for this and that.
how come she doesnt think: what will happen if all these people aren't around and not helping her?
bet she doesn't know wtf is teamwork.
bet she doesn't use much of her brains now. really.
one fine day, i'll shoot back at her til she really shuts the fuck up. __

random ranting...

2010-05-12T20:54:00.002+08:00

long day at work today!
having a bad headache now. one that is causing me to vomit. -.-

it must have been due to the manual labour done today.
up and down the stairs, bringing up and down loads of things.
not to mention that it wasnt much of my business, just that i don't really love rejecting people when they ask for my help.

envelopes.
helped kenneth to shift more than 30 over sets of books. each set 3 books. not to mention i have to shift them from level 2 to some other room at level 1. bth. -.-
the old survey forms.

up n down.

n the worse thing, is to hear people ask 'where's clement?' when all they have to do is just sth very simple, and that's to just grab a few books and help bring it down.
is it really so difficult? what? why must clement do everything???
you can't take it and clement has to do everything??
screw it then, leave it to us and we'll take it lo.

people - they don't ever learn to appreciate things. if sth is great, they don't praise you at all. when sth goes wrong, all of them start to point fingers at you. and they forget everything that you have done.

the 20 things i love abt him. :)

2010-05-11T21:36:00.003+08:00
1) the gentle and patient way he talks to me even when he's feeling tired and sleepy at night.

2) the way when i said i want to eat curry chicken and kang kong and he will give a straight 'Okie lo, i'll cook that.'

3) the way he hugs me out of a sudden. it always gives an extra sweet kind of feeling.

4) the way he gives me even just a light peck on my cheeks, just to tell me he appreciates me.

5) his sense of humour - esp when he asks me 'where is my briefcase which contains my suit?'
yes, that's humorous of him. =x

6) the way i know he'll never let me starve or go hungry as long as i'm with him.

7) the way he'll finish up my food when i'm really feeling full or when i don't enjoy it. in short, he's a la ji tong~

8) his confidence.

9) the way he remembers other details like 'why you let other people hold your hand' after you tell him lots of things and he only said that. haha! and then you tell him 'no la! i'm just joking la!' =x

10) the way he always asks whether i'm feeling unwell - whether is it that i'm having gastric pains, headaches or chest pains.

11) the way he sings.

12) the way he always makes me smiles. :)

13) the way he treats his family and friends. he's a filial son, a very good brother and a must-have friend (i think sths he will treat his friends better than me lo! pui! =x).

14) the way he drinks, and after that tells me how much i mean to him. yes, i think he only does it when he drinks. -.-

15) the way he works. he's efficient and smart! :D

16) the way he cares for me by asking me to cut down on my mayonaise and snatches it away!! nobody will ask me to do that! -.- only my mum will, but it's cuz she doesn't want me to grow any fatter.

17) the way he laughs. okie, the way he laughs at me. -.-
at least i'm making him laugh too right! :p

18) the way he teases and 'disturbs' me! there's soooo many names he calls me. T.T
o ya, the way he instills jealousy in me is soooo special too. try telling your gf you're meeting another gf and saying 'oops' after that. special, uh? -.-

19) the times when he asks me out for movies, dinners, and asks me where i want to go to no matter how tired he's feeling.

20) just him. :)

*just as i come up with this list and love him for who he is, i think i can come up with a list of 10 things which i detest too! =x*

and i'm feeling bored at home.

2010-05-10T20:23:00.002+08:00
there's nothing to do at home, except that i can use my com to go on facebook, update pointless statuses, read what my friends comment on the previous statuses, watch tv, wait for 9pm show (cuz once that's over, off to sleep i go at perhaps 10 odd? of cuz, not forgetting my phone call with him).

boring til then.
cuz there's absolutely nothing else i can do til then.
dont want to call and bother him too, since i know he's having a bad headache and there're already enough things on his mind.

-----------------------------

backtracking:
7th may, friday: we just had dinner and went home. had abit of an argument cuz he insists that i go to the doctor to get my check-up done.
i rmb saying sth quite gong to him: today's friday le!
him: so?
me: cannot happier abit meh!
=x

8th may, saturday: reach the doctor's ard 11.15am? waited for the dr for more den 2 hrs. think i left the clinic ard 1.45pm? -.- went to get tix for Ironman 2 first since he wasnt done with his household chores yet and cuz the tix for gd seats are really extremely difficult to get! he reached ard 3.30pm i think. and we just had a very fast lunch at the foodcourt before heading to the cinema for the 4.05pm show. the show was really awesome! and til today he's been asking where is the briefcase that contains his suit (that self-obsessed b of mine thinks that he's Ironman -.-).
went to Yishun to have dinner after that. and after walking ard for awhile, both of us decided to just have Thai Express. haha! i took my medicatio after that, and was telling him abt how my eyes will swell from drug allergies and he was both startled and laughing at the same time. -.-
after dinner, he was really sweet. though i know he's very tired already but he just continued to walk ard with me. so! we went to walk ard the jewellery shops, and he was like saying 'i don't mind paying 100 more to buy this ring for you.' - i dunno why you so gong too. hahaha!

9th may, sunday: mother's day! :D
the whole family celebrated at home this year. the adults prepared lots of food. even my elder sister and i had to get down to wrapping the fried wantons. haha!
the list of food: fried wantons, fried chicken wings, fries, noodles, soup, vegetables, chicken kebab, curry chicken and bread to go with it, popiah, bo bo char char & ah ma's specialty - chilli crab! :D
no pics though.
a necklace was given to my mum as a gift from the 3 of us. think she was really very happy cuz she started wearing it ytd.
anyway, i ate soooo much that i told him over sms that i'm sooo full that i felt that my stomach was gonna burst soon. -.-

-----------------------------
long day at work today, had a long meeting with boss, ming sing, zhi qian, pei shi, jia min and jessie. only ended up with the conclusion that what was done and approved earlier has to be amended again. and i dont even know whether it can be done or not. will be a difficult task, definitely.
maybe from this week onwards, all of us will have to get busy again. this time, for census. :)

feeling tired already. dunno what's wrong with me these days. easily tired. -.-

2010-05-04T12:00:00.002+08:00
i finally agreed. :)
on the 1st of may 2010, at night, ard 9 plus i think.

the funny thing clement said: i think i should ask you earlier, on maybe 29th instead.
me: why?
him: like that, if i want to make it a monthly thing, then i can save on a present! (cuz my birthday's on the 29th may)
me: -.-

i'm happy. but i dunno how long it will be before the sweetness and happiness die off.
i told eileen over fb that he doesnt seem very enthusiastic abt it.

maybe it's his work.. maybe, maybe.
or is it not?

im starting to feel abit different abt it?
ya, maybe..

2010-04-07T16:32:00.003+08:00
trying to smile now.

but dont rly work.

been feeling so tired.

i just want to slp, watch tv at hm, n not work.

tt's sth to be strange abt.

cuz i've always been saying things like 'no. being a tai tai is soooo boring. so i dont want to be one. i want to be able to work everyday.'

it's like i dont have the motivation and determination to fight on.

even at work now, im like, blogging?

pui. haha!

thus! i am starting to feel moody now!

due to the lack of work.

n normally when i've gt nothing to do, i think more than usual!

so.... ya. haha!

shall tok abt some other stuff instead. like....

Good Friday which happened last Friday!

went to Marina Barrage to have a small picnic and fly kites with Clement, Teck, Shuyu and Shirleen!

nothing to do ma.. n since they want to go, off we go! :D

there were fried chicken popcorn! n tuna bread! *slurps* hehe!

it was quite fun actually.. esp the part whereby the kites refuse to fly and clement was trying to pull the strings properly before we could fly them.

he did it! smart boy! :)
and the kites could fly as high as the good quality ones bought from the place itself. haha!

yet to upload the pics. feeling lazy. =x

okie. maybe i'll upload soon lo.. maybe.

went for dinner at Popeye's after that. the one at Singapore Flyer.

we wanted to watch a movie, after den again, there wasnt any good timings for clash of the titans.
so we decided to head to party world.
too ex for all of us. and we just headed home to slp! haha!

okie. maybe i shd try uploading the pics now.. :)

lethargic day

2010-03-11T10:16:00.003+08:00
feeling so tired now.
apparently, there are things for me to do now. thou little, but im feeling kinda lazy. =x

or rather, feeling abit too tired to start doing. i finished wadeva i haf to do daily, and tt's to check the section's email.
one down, few more things to go.

i tink i shd ask my superior for more things to do. cuz i tink im feeling abit too slack diz days. i'd rather stand up n run ard - at least there are things that can be improved on n make me reflect on the days i do everyday.

anyway, i went for a training course for the past 2 days. all of us had to go.
it was quite interesting actually. n we had lots of laughter there too!
it's like we had to act out difficult scenarios which can happen to us/field interviewers who go for personal visits to get surveys done.
it was all funny when we look on at how one another tried to get a survey done. haha!
o well, at least it helped to kill time and all of us could stay out of office n relax ourselves! :)

-----
need to go to rp n IT show diz wkend. my sister needs to get a laptop n i've been tasked to go with her... IT show.. T.T
sure haf to squeeze with loads of ppl.

-----
last sat was out with shawn, rui n her bf.
met up at 7 odd with them for dinner at ong yong lee.
in the end, they suggested going to chill after tt.
i was lyk: okie. where?
so shawn was saying he felt lyk going to club.
i told em i was okie with tt too, as long as rui goes.
in the end, rui was okie but her bf wasnt. so we changed our route to going to a pub to chill instead.
we took a bus all the way down to boat quay, went to amber, sat down, n i was asking em abt their budget n how much all of us had on hand.
in the end, rui's bf looked lyk he doesnt noe how to communicate with me at all.
i was asking him how much cash he had on hand n wad does he want, n all he did was to sit there n shakes his head. it kinda pissed me off, honestly.
i mean, it's kind of rude.
in the end, i told rui to 'communicate with her bf cuz i don't noe how to'.
i went out for awhile, talked to jinping n shawn came out to look for me.
he said: rui's bf's feeling tired. he doesnt wan to drink.

i was lyk: den y the hell did he not say earlier?
i mean if he had mentioned earlier, we wldnt haf bothered to tk a bus down all the way there.

best thing? we left amber n he was lyk saying 'go to mac'?
he even commented saying tt : we were supposed to go mac in the 1st place anyway.
i dun tink so?
n wth? i go to boat quay for mac? just mac alone???
so in the end, all of us went to tcc. i didnt order anything. just sat there.
n we even had to rush for the last train. which rui caught up with it cuz i was waitin for shawn to top up his card. we didnt manage to catch up with it thou.
n we tot tt it wasnt vry nice to just board the train alone n nt sms us to inform us tt she was on the train already.
so in the end, shawn n i took a long bus ride back to amk, had mac near my hse n went hm afterwards.
he told mi thou, tt the next time we met up with rui's bf, if there's such an occassion, the most we'll do is to haf dinner with him.

-----
back to wk.

2010-03-09T21:45:00.000+08:00
if she disappears one day, will he miss her?

*just another ranting post*

2010-02-20T01:42:00.003+08:00
sths i rly wonder, whether i'll be able to get out of everything.

sths i rly wonder, what happened??

will i eventually get out of this? or will i be forever stuck in this without being able to move on properly?
it's nt tt i dun want to forget.
it's cuz i can't.

i hate the way i'm feeling now.
i hate the way at work, the way i face ppl ard me, even the way i hang out with my frenz.

the facade.
i dun even noe what's me anymore.
can i even find the me back then in sec sch?
the one who's rly understanding but still has the anger in her?
the one who can trust ppl as easily as ever?
the one who doesnt find herself scary at all?

sths i rly wonder, who i can rly believe in.
u might think, 'well, i know this feeling', but think again, do u rly know?

maybe it's just me having loads and loads of issues with myself.
mayb it's just cuz im crazy.

n just when i tot i shd not be thinking abt anything lidat this way, the whole vicious cycle started again. that's y i ask myself: will it ever end?

few can understand me, i guess.
or just when they think they do, i change into sth else promptly.

i c the ppl at work.
how many of them are rly frenz?
alright, mayb just a handful. n mayb the rest are just there for the sake of being there.
politics, i hate them.
nv liked it. esp after what happened in ateam.
that's y im on my guard more than ever.

i think abt the way i hang out with my frenz nowadays.
i dunno why, but i just keep quiet when im out with them now.
just. too. quiet.

so whenever they ask me what's wrong, i just say: nothing. im okie.
truth is, i dun even know why im just sitting there and starring into blank space.
no reason, nothing.

even now when im blogging this post, i probably just feel that it's practically stupid to talk abt all these random stuff in the middle of the night.
dunno why im doing this, but yeah, maybe im just feeling bored. or just being crazy. again.

2010-02-20T01:38:00.001+08:00
once upon a time, she believed in fairytales.

now, she has to make up those fairytales she believed in.

lalalala~ just another random post.

2010-01-26T15:25:00.002+08:00
feel lyk online-shopping!
been going thru blogshops here n there. cuz some added mi on fb. i dunno how, but ya.
just feeling bored. n gosh, diz has gonna b one of those most relaxing days i've had in my dept so far!
so just lookin thru. i tink i shd start a fund: whoever wants kailin happy, contribute to her shopping funds! :D

n it's the 26th today.

skip it girl.
nth's gonna change.

Officially Missing You

2009-12-13T18:31:00.003+08:00

"Officially Missing You"
[Verse One]
All I hear is raindrops
Falling on the rooftop
Oh baby tell me why’d you have to go
Cause this pain I feel
It wont go away
And today
I’m officially missing you
I thought that from this heartache
I could escape
But I fronted long enough to know
There ain’t no way
And today
I’m officially missing you

[Chorus]
Oh can’t nobody do it like you
Said every little thing you do
Hey baby say it stays on my mind
And I, I’m officially
[Verse Two]
All I do is lay around
Two ears full of tears
From looking at your face on the wall
Just a week ago you were my baby
Now I don’t even know you at all
I don’t know you at all
Well I wish that you would call me right now
So that I could get through to you somehow
But I guess it’s safe to say baby safe to say
That I’m officially missing you
[Chorus]
[Bridge]
Well I thought I could just get over you baby
But I see that’s something I just can’t do
From the way you would hold me
To the sweet things you told me
I just can’t find a way
To let go of you
[Chorus]
It's official
You know that I’m missing you
Yeah yes
All I hear is raindrops
And I’m officially missing you

When you thought you've gotten over it fine, truth is it has only begun.

2009-09-21T01:24:00.000+08:00

2009-07-28T03:37:00.001+08:00
im feeling so bad.
to the extent tt i tink i screwed up my life all over again.
n potentially another person's too.

sorry's everything i can say now.

2009-07-28T01:07:00.002+08:00
so many things to tok abt..... -.-

too restless to tok abt everything.

rly cant bring myself to tok abt everything. so i shall maybe say things one by one??

okie mayb nt nw -.-

2009-07-27T20:04:00.002+08:00
juz took diz test: http://www.quizbox.com/personality/test82.aspx

--------------------------------------------------
Your view on yourself:
You are intelligent, honest and sweet. You are friendly to everybody and don't like conflict. Because you're so cheerful and fun people are naturally attracted to you and like to talk to you.
The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.
Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.
The seriousness of your love:
Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex. In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive, so you will find yourself with plenty of dates.
Your views on education
Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.
The right job for you:
You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.
How do you view success:
You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.
What are you most afraid of:
You are afraid of things that you cannot control. Sometimes you show your anger to cover up how you feel.
Who is your true self:
You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

-------------------------
Here is the analysis:

You've got great self-confidence and you're full of charm. Most guys who get to know you will be attracted to you. You are far from sweet and proper; your intriguing personality fascinates them. Most guys find it easy to fall for a girl like you.
You really care about other people's feelings and are quite serious about the issues that affect your life. You are sincere, and your concern for the well-being of others makes many people want to be your friend.
You are a bright, cheerful and bubbly person. You are thoughtful and considerate, and like to have fun. Everybody feels comfortable around you because of your pleasant nature. When you walk into a room, people's eyes are likely to be drawn to you because of your charm.
Your peers think of you as a fun person, but sometimes you can be a little irresponsible. You can be somewhat childish, and can try to ignore the fact that you will one day need to really grow up and be a mature adult! Perhaps you could start reading good books; they might help you look at the world in a different light. You do want to be taken seriously, right?
Your boyfriend believes that you are a strong and independent person. Your confidence and cheerfulness make you an attractive person to be around, but sometimes you need to pay more attention to what other people, including your boyfriend, are thinking.
---------------------------
Here is the analysis:
You are the type to fall quickly and passionately in love, but will commit to a person forever when this happens. When you choose to love someone, it's going to be a strong relationship and nothing will come between you and your lover. But beware: love can turn you blind, and the rest of the world might cease to exist while you are in that honeymoon phase. When you come down from your high, you may find you have neglected other people and things that you love.

---------------------------
Here is the analysis:

Kind and Gentle
Your kindness is your charm - you are also gentle and sweet. Everybody likes to be around people with your personality. Like a psychologist, people like to talk to you to discuss their problems because you are proper and discrete, as well as confident. You look mature and people respect you. People with this kind of character are few and far between.

--------------------------

how much do you care for your friends:
You value your friendships: 75%
You love your friends very much - so much so that it's actually quite a worry. You may not be able to cope very well when you do lose somebody's friendship. You are a very sensitive and fragile person, and are therefore likely to get upset easily. You care for your friends and are willing to do anything that they ask you to do. Sometimes this can make your friends think that you are a bit of a nuisance. Nevertheless, people do really love you because your highest priority is your friends.

--------------------------

Love And Your Sweetheart
Here is the analysis:
Your man is a lot of fun to be with. His talk is charming and because of this he always seems to be surrounded by girls. You'll just have to live with this and not let it bother you. If you let him know you're jealous, it's likely that he would turn his back on you without too many second thoughts. To be with him, you have to give him plenty of room to move, trust him, and allow him to be independent. You should also remember to be independent yourself. He enjoys going out to parties and likes you to have fun along with him too, so make the most of his love of life.

2009-07-22T13:58:00.001+08:00
haha.
diz is exactly how i feel nw!

If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive.

- Samuel Goldwyn

ya. no jk. hahaha!

abit restless to update everything at one go. tt's y decided to juz put diz quote down 1st. :)

2009-07-13T11:42:00.002+08:00
how could i b so careless???

great, i juz lost my earring.
went downstairs n retrace wherever i walked juz nw to look for it, but i juz cldnt find it.

i'm gonna use my lunch break to cab back to find it. :(
stupid me.

2009-07-11T12:09:00.002+08:00

Tan got a message that on this day, God wants her to know...
... that it's time to STOP going through the motions of living, and START living.

Are you willing to do that now? Or are you going to wait until all life energy drains out of you and your loved ones who are trying to support you at this very moment? You were not born to follow rules and regulations. Living starts with dreaming. So dream, dream friend, and let dreams show you the path to your bliss.

:S y do i always get things lyk diz?
i seriously dunno wad it's supposed to mean nw. haha!

----------------------

smsed him alittle ytd.
when he didnt reply aft a few msges, i took it as it's either he's too bz wif wk or he juz doesnt wan to reply ba...

it's okie i guess.
cuz i gather tt he's moved on.
so it's nt surprising that he doesnt reply or whatsoever.

----------------------

cant seem to start my show -.-
nvm. shall go restart everything. :)

----------------------

2009-07-10T22:10:00.003+08:00
fortune cookie of the day: If you want the rainbow, you must put up with the rain. D. Parton

nice rite?! :D

-------------------------

feel lyk smsing him nw.
but dun wan him to feel irritated.

of cuz, i dunno how he will feel.
but ya, mayb he's bz since he's COS for today?

nt tt we're still in contact, but ya, he typed it into my phone's calendar on the day we went to watch land of the lost.
guess he juz wanted mi to noe wad he's doing in camp?
i dunno. hahaha.
tt was the last day we met.
the last day we hugged.
the last day we smiled and laughed tght.

-------------------------

wadeva. shdnt b tokin abt all diz things nw!
back to my show! haha.

nt gonna tok abt wad happened today. mayb ltr. :)

lalalala~

2009-07-10T18:48:00.003+08:00
hahaha!

i'm supposed to b taking my shower rite nw.

but ya.
cuz fb has diz app tt says: See what God wants you to know...

n for today, it's :
Tan got a message that on this day, God wants her to know...
... that you cannot wait anymore.

The moment has finally come. You have no choice. You have to take that step now. Now. Not tomorrow, not in an hour, - Now! If anyone else is reading this, they would be confused. But not you. You know exactly what we mean. Do it. Now.

i figured out tt maybe it's to sms him or sth?
but ya..
i dun wan to sms him.
so juz blog abt it.
no way m i gonna say wad i feel lyk saying.
cuz ya, it might juz b kinda one-sided.
hahaha!

okie done wif blogging.
if i haf the mood to ltr, i'll probably blog abt the updates for today. :p

2009-07-09T21:51:00.003+08:00
was out wif jt n xinyi on tues nite...
waited for them since 6 odd.
cuz the meeting time was supposed to b 7.45pm at j8.
went to popular to tk at some bks.

n i saw diz bk of names.

i dunno y.
but i juz looked for 2 names: Megan and Shawn

Megan: mighty, strong. soft and gentle.
Shawn: gift from God.

nice meanings. sweet. :)

---------------------------
i was feeling abit down at 1st.

but aft meeting them, we started to talk abt things...
everythin in fact.
they were trying to psycho mi into opening my options. haha!

sth made mi happy n smiled tt night.

but is it cuz we were talking abt them?

i guess so.

again, i'm happy tt xinyi n alex had patched things up.
rly gd for them.

---------------------------
on mc today.
or rather, for 2 days.

i smsed him diz morning to ask him how is he.
afraid tt i might pass wadeva cough or symptoms to him.

great, he's doing fine.

it's his turn to b COS in camp tml.
hope everything will turn out well for him.

---------------------------

watching black n white right nw.
diz tw drama tt stars vic zhou.

nt a bad show esp for its starting.
it actually gt me interested to continue the show.

back to watching! :D

all random stuff.

2009-07-06T11:59:00.006+08:00
lalalala~

guys r weird.

guys r funny.

guys cannot b trusted.

full stop. the end.

n i'm lyk, typing diz wif bryan sitting beside mi, lookin at my screen?
hahaha.

i dun care okie bryan teo?
hahahaha!

n he noes i dun care. -.-

diz is juz a random post.
wif bryan teo lookin at my screen.
n him laughin!

shit him la! laugh laugh laugh. kns.

n u noe wad? i changed my msn nick n said i m so going on a diet!
n tt idiot said 'huh? cant b'

wtf -.-

wad a fren huh?
wth rite??

i looked at him rather menacingly.

n he turned his head away. HAHAHA!

----------------------

okie okie
i'm so so random here.

----------------------

juz back from lunch.
feelin abit gong n sleepy.
n weather's veri hot -.-
aircon lousy. =x

----------------------

yeah! meeting xinyi n jingting tml!
7pm at ps. hahaha!
great!
we always network abt our lives.
network.

----------------------

i was dragged in to a board meeting diz morning.
as expected, board = boss n ceo.
ceo said tt i'm nt responsible enuff?
n listed 2 reasons/occasions tt occurred.
i pushed off wad she said by sayin i did do those thing unlike wad she said.

o ya, she told the secretary tt i'm wicked for not doing the recruitment brochures?
she said i'm out to do the company in.
eh? lyk wtf??
pls lo. i did do it okie.
juz tt my boss did not get it photostated.
in the end, on the early morning of the exhibition, i even sat in front of the big LCD to re-do everythin lo. kns.

wicked. kns.

----------------------
okie okie.
random mode again.
back to wad i was sayin rite at the start of diz post.
mayb the only guy i can trust is lyk... marion? hahaha.
he's a great guy.
n i noe at least he will try his best not to hurt anybody. :)
i noe he's truly concerned abt mi, thou i noe others r too.
but ya, at least i tink he's nt the guy who will randomly go on friendster/fb or wadeva networking website to deliberately add some random gal online juz cuz he wants to noe her?

yeah, tt's the impression of wad i haf of marion! :)

n i feel tt it's a gd thing!

another thing i feel so fucking disgusted by guys.
they can randomly go up to some random gal n ask them for their no.
yeah, eeww...
not sth i admire.
n wen asked, they say: mk frenz onli ma.
n when asked whether they're interested, they said no, juz mk frenz lo.
pls lo....

so many hundreds of guys walking on the fucking street, y dun u get their numbers?!!!! *rolls eyes*

so!
juz say ur fucking interested in them or wadsoeva.
n nt juz purely 'mk frenz lo'
----------------------
those who say they love u, tt's probably bullshit too.
----------------------
those tt say they will stay wif u forever.
tt's fucking bullshit! =x
----------------------
okie okie.
call mi biased or wadsoeva.
but ya, i dun c anything gd in guys nw. hahaha!

okie, i juz dun believe them nw. hahaha!
----------------------
finally finished editing the stuff needed for some letter.

dunno how many times i edited tt lo! -.-
----------------------
so bored!!!!
----------------------
bryan went hm due to a splitting migraine.
ard 3pm.
n sunny was tellin him tt will be half a day of leave. o.O

so b it lo.
he's nt feeling well wad.
plus he also has so many days of accumulated off.
not as if they will cut the pay or sth?
----------------------
yeah!
still happy tt i'm gonna meet the gals tml!
:D
----------------------
tok to rhian ytd.
i tink it's still gd tokin to her. :)
n ya, she told mi she's tght wif louis nw. hahaha!
n we were tokin abt them.
----------------------
i dunno y.
but i find it weird n cant b bothered.
wadeva.
----------------------
everyone has a hidden mystery.
----------------------

was it me, or is it you who moved on too fast?

2009-07-05T20:53:00.002+08:00
marion replied to my email!
n yeah, the things i expected him to say abt the r/s, he did. haha.
i love talking to marion!
he's a great companion!
everytime i talk to him, i always feel gd after tt! :)

it's a relief tt i didnt lose diz fren even aft he migrated overseas! :)
----------------------------------------------------

ytd went to my aunt's place for bbq.
my cousin's n her bday.

i gt there, n everyone asked mi how come i didnt get shawn to go along.

i juz said he's nt free.
cuz i didnt wan to say more.

onli rosen asked 'wad's up wif u n tt leon?'
i juz smiled at her.

aft the bbq, i left my aunt's place ard 10 plus to go to leon's place.

plan was to meet xinyi up 1st thou.

alex n her broke up ytd.
n i guess it might juz b cuz of mi n shawn.
she felt tt his brother seemed more impt den her.
so when she broke up wif him ytd, he said okie today.

i feel shitty abt diz entire thing.
juz when i'm as screwed up myself, i rly didnt wan to trouble other frenz.
y has it come to diz?
i felt tt she doesnt deserve diz.
i mean, she's been helping mi all along.
n nw, i gt her into trouble?
i dunno wad to tink.

thou leon n xinyi said tt it's nt my fault.
but i juz cant help it. :(

anyway, both of us gt 2 bottles of coke n went to leon's place.
we juz wanted to go over n chill.
n drink, yeah. haha.

i intro-ed them to each other.
n very soon, the 3 of us sat there talking in his room.
it always feels damn comfortable in his rm. haha!
cuz u get to rly slack ard.
the aircon, the computer... ahah!

we sat there talking n aft awhile, we decided to go down to his living rm for a drink.
i onli drank 3 cups.
while both of them drank 2.
:s leon was asking whether i wld cry after drinkin. -.-
n the both of them juz had to keep talking abt the r/s. (thou i told them many times to stop it. -.-)

we wanted to face-rape leon.
meaning put make-up for him. =x
but he didnt oblige! shit him.

right in the middle of the nite, i started tearing. -.-
it wasnt due to the drink.
it's juz tt, i sat there n started to tink abt him.
i started to tink abt how he appeared to be happy while out wif mi, while on the phone wif mi.
but it turns out tt he wasnt.

okie, enuff of tt.
back to the both of them.
we went out in the middle of the nite to get some instant noodles n tidbits.
noodles didnt taste as nice cuz it was damn salty for all of us. -.-

but ya
gd thing was tt everythin was paid wif leon's money. =x
13.55
tt's wad he deserved for making us tk the long way in okie. -.-

xinyi was complaining abt the whole grp of guys in the clique, while leon was complaining abt zhen rong. hahaha!

i juz sat there listening to them.
they came up with all the jokes they cld too. -.-
kinda lame but ya. hahaha!

we were tinkin when will the next time b.
definitely, we'll chill out tght at his place again.
it's juz great to noe tt ur frenz r staying out there wif u, tryin to cheer u up.
cuz u noe even if the whole world collapses on u, u'll feel much beta wif them ard too! :)

2009-07-04T00:48:00.001+08:00
i dun wish to think anymore.

i just feel like goin away from here.

2009-07-02T22:29:00.003+08:00
i didnt ask for the break-up.
he did.

wad else cld i say?
i didnt talk to anyone abt wad exactly happened.

all i said were things lyk 'he said he wants out of the r/s.' , 'he's tired of trying'.....

i didnt say anything more.

i feel, there wasnt such a need anymore.
even if they dun find mi a nuisance to keep talking abt mi n him, gd or bad, i still feel tt they will get sick n tired of hearing mi talk.

i can only rmb the things he said when we were out on Tues nite.
he said he'll make French Toast for me aft my wk on diz Fri.
we agreed to watch Ice Age tght diz wkend.
we agreed to go for Max Breener's and to Changi Airport 2 wks ltr..

but it will nv ever happen again.
the max breener's treat will nv happen again.

he told mi ytd nite. i wanted so much to beg him again.
but i didnt.

i wanted so much to cry.
but i cldnt.
i didnt wan to.

chu ting asked: so u ditch him or the oth way round?
mi: he ditch mi.

broy asked: u changed bf already?
mi: ya.
he: u okie?
mi: ya..

aiax: u gt new bf already? sad...
mi: -.-

bryan, derek, jin, cher shen n daryl kept askin how cld it b leon. -.-

they bugged mi the whole day to c whether it's true or nt.

alvin tok to mi for the whole day aft he knew abt it.

bryan sat beside mi almost the whole morning.
he kept lookin at mi n asked whether i'm okie.
n i told him 'stop looking! i. m. not. crying!'
guess he rly expects mi to cry..

wake, gilch n killua told mi to hang on strong. :)

i sent an email to marion.
to tel him abt the break-up.
i'm guessing his reaction might b the same 'wad? y?!'

leon called mi after wk, when i was on my way hm to ask mi how's my day.

o ya.
broy sent mi 3 songs tt he wrote in the past.

n the 2nd song he sent, i didnt finish readin it. -.-
cuz once i read the 3rd n 4th lines, i teared.

it went sth lidat:
Because those happy moments that I had

May be the very moments making me sad

ya. nw tt i copied diz 2 lines
i felt sth heavy weighin mi down again.
when i was taking my shower juz nw, i tot abt ruiduan and chu ting.
somehow, thou it was juz a very fast tot of them, i felt lyk crying.
i started tearing.
n when i caught up wif myself, it was too late.

i started crying.
it was short.
cuz i kept telling myself to stop.

i dunno whether i'm doing the right thing or nt.

but chu ting asked 'u juz broke up wif shawn n nw ur wif leon? do u rly lyk him?'
n i told her 'i dun wan to tink too much anymore. i tot abt alot of things in the past b4 i kick-started the r/s wif shawn. n in the end? nth.. so y muz i still tink so much?'

i'm afraid to think more.
i'm just very tired from everything.
from the bad happenings in office.
from how he said everything.
from how he pushed everything to 'there's too many things to solve'
from the tone he said everything.
from the way he said 'pls respect my decision'
from the way he hung up the phone from mi aft just saying everything.

i'm tired.
n i rly juz wan to go into a long sleep.

i juz yearn to know, was he ever happy being with me?

2009-07-01T12:42:00.002+08:00
lalala

freaking tired.
feel lyk slping.

hmmmm...
i tink sth's gone very wrong btwn mi n him.
n ya
i told him he's the 1st guy i've ever seen, who wants to keep his gf wif him but does it so unwillingly. n i told him tt he's nt sincere at all n i dun wanna c him anymore.
yup.

all aft a very happy night out.
aft the show we enjoyed tght. - land of the lost
aft hugging at the bus interchange for so long lyk a couple still in their honeymoon period.

ya ya, i shd haf known.

everything was nice til i asked 'y dun u put our picture on fb?'

n u noe wad did he say?
he said 'cuz i wan to put the dyed hair pic.'

ya. my face changed, to b honest.
the feelings towards him immd changed.

n i tot to myself 'wad for i haf so many of the pictures of us on fb when he doesnt care for it??'
i mean, y shd i bother?

when he doesnt care abt abt minor details lyk all diz.

so i told him 'i dun wan to c u anymore. wake up urself tml. no need to meet for lunch already.'

n yes, tt's wad i did.
to mi, he'll nv b tt guy who gives surprises anymore.
he'll nv b the guy who does swt little things for mi anymore.
he'll nv take the initiative n say sorry anymore.

if he rly did care abt everything, he wld have at least have the decency to reply to the smses.

n diz is how i felt.
tt he doesnt need to care anymore since he doesnt want to.

call me petty or whatsoever.
but it will not change matters.
the damage is done.
so be it.

i don't want to find myself thinking abt him again.
i dun want to dwell upon all diz again.

it's over.

off to lala land.

2009-06-29T23:53:00.002+08:00
i finally updated my resume today. while in office.
i printed it n sunny saw it. hahaha.

bryan n i were talking abt the resume aft tt.
tt i'll be passing the resume to my teacher, n 2 oth copies will b left wif shawn ang n bryan.
but no la.
i printed those cuz i was goin to the job fair at yew tee cc wif bryan today. =x

tt's y i updated my resume n everything.
also asked 2 of my aunts n my cousin, whom i tink they wld haf a relatively gd resume of their own..
asked to c their resumes cuz i wanted to improve on mine...
tinking whether i shd let my tuition teacher to c it as well?
since she's always been the critic. wld b great if she cld tk a look. haha!

anyway.
at the job fair, there was MOM, MFA, NEA, LTA and WDA.
only gave my resume to MOM. cuz she asked to c it when i asked some questions.
so yup, she said mayb i'll hear from her 2 wks or ltr.
she recommended 2 jobs. sth gt to do wif research.
she looked at my resume n said it'll b a gd fit as i've done quite a variety of jobs b4.
dunno whether it's true or nt. or ya, wadeva.
shd b lookin thru the brochures i gt mayb tml or the day aft..

enuff abt tt.
i'm feeling so so sooooo tired. -.-
feel lyk slping.
gonna b on leave tml.
cuz he's on leave too.
we're supposed to meet in the mornin, but nt sure whether he can wake up on time or nt.. :(
if he doesnt, o well, nvm.
shall wait n c whether he's rly tt pig or nt.
chances r, he might juz b. hmmmm..

Tan Kailin wonders whether it's the best.
juz some random tots.
dunno y.
juz felt diz way.
all of a sudden.

n i changed my r/s status to single.
ya ya, again.
wadeva.
i changed it cuz i juz felt so.
i juz felt lyk it.
no reason y.
i wanted to keep it as 'in a r/s'
den again, wif who?
wif someone who doesnt change anythin?
den for wad?
m i supposed to say i'm dating a monkey or sth?
no way.
so, so b it.
wadeva.
mayb keepin it single will do mi gd too? haha!
wadeva.
it hasnt gt anythin to do wif my current fb status.
it's juz a momentarily voluntary action.

:s my status juz attracted quite a number of ppl.
the next time i change my status again.......
is there anyway to keep it wrapped up? :s

rui is doubting tt nth happened. -.-
bernard is doing so too.
y!

blah blah blah.. i'm feeling so tired nw, i believe i'm starting to crap alot.
n no, nt at diz hr.
i'm feeling soooooooo hungry!
no shit. -.-

waitin for his call.
always cant wait to tok to him.
but den again, sths when he toks to mi, he will sound rather impatient.
oth times, he sounds real nice, lyk the last time i called him to tell him i was rly feeling upset abt wad happened in the co?
he was actually bz wif things in his hands at the moment.
but when he heard how my voice changed cuz i rly felt lyk crying, he immd said he's free to tok.
times lyk diz, when he toks rly nicely, real swt, i feel tt i'm still impt in his life.
but when it comes to the times whereby he doesnt sms mi at all when he's hm, when he's on the way out, i feel tt i dun matter to him at all.
as much as i'm kinda used to it cuz i somehow noe tt he wldnt sms mi on the way out or wadsoeva, i rly get all happy when he juz called mi on last last fri to tell mi he's bookin out n we're gonna watch drag me to hell.
it's weird how small things lyk diz can affect mi.
ya fine, i'm a petty woman. -.-
but i'm also a woman who can b easily contented okie!

there's alot of things i doubt abt myself.
there's alot of things i feel he doubts abt us.

aiya
dunno la.
i onli noe i'm gonna stop blogging cuz he juz called! :D

nice nite~!

2009-06-26T09:45:00.002+08:00
there's gonna b alot of things to do today!
o ya, gotta update my resume too. :)

but nt sure when gonna do it.

----------------------------------

n juz saw from edmw tt Michael Jackson passed away.

RIP, MJ.

I love some of the songs by him:

----------------------------------

Next up, H1N1.
95 new cases, bringing all in total to 315 cases in SG.
ytd my younger sis and I were just discussing abt diz.
we were saying how we felt abt both Sars and H1N1.
and we felt tt we're more afraid of Sars than H1N1.
no, it's nt tt diz isnt scary at all.
it's juz tt a vaccine will soon be out for diz..
n for Sars, to wad we noe was tt there wasnt any vaccination for it.
moreover, SG is already better prepared for this due to wad happened during Sars.
juz hope tt diz will be over soon.

sths, i tot : did the news say anything abt not going to wk?
but den again, i tink abt it again: if the news rly did announce tt, it'll mean tt the society will be in chaos.
no, as much as i dread coming to wk diz days, i m nt gonna wish tt diz will get worse or wadeva.
looking on the bright side, i juz hope tt everything will get better so tt i can get another job!
whether it's H1N1 or the recession! :)

----------------------------------

i'm kinda tired out from all the things at wk.
it's nt tt i hate diz workplace.
it's juz tt i no longer feel the warmth in here.
mayb aft the exhibition they will ask mi to leave?
since i feel tt they no longer need mi here too?
i'm okie wif leaving actually, as long as they pay mi the compensation.
wad? i dun haf things to pay??

den again, coming to diz, i rly need to sit down n calculate how much i can rly put aside each mth.
50 for transport, 150 for insurance, 100 for parents, 400 for food n entertainment.

ya 400 shd b enuff. i tink. i guess.
there goes 700.
i rly hope i can save lyk...... rly more den expected diz time round wif diz mth's pay.
i dun earn much, so i juz hope i can maximize every cent.

i wan to wk wad i love.
but times r hard.
so i'm juz hanging on.

broy was telling mi the oth day 'dun lyk change lo.'
mi: i noe, if need b, i'll wk retail. might b more xin ku, but i'm willing to tk the hardship.
he: if dun lyk change again lo.
mi: hahaha. no la. i dun wan to keep changing cuz i dun wan to mk it a habit. i wan to stretch my limits n c how far i can go. if i keep changing, i will find myself nt being able to excel in anything i do!

ya, tt's how i always feel n tink.
i've always believe since sec sch tt i will have to stretch my limits b4 i can noe how far i can go.
it's always been lyk diz since sec sch when i was in red cross.
been lyk diz aft i join poly.
been lyk diz aft i join ateam n face the backstabbers there.
been lyk diz aft i started wk from young.

mayb it's because of my parents.
The mentality of being able to take hardships, getting out of my comfort zone was inculcated into mi since young.
even nw, my dad n mum will sit down and start talking to me abt work.
they will say things lyk 'wk life's lidat.'
n they will go on n on abt making mi c the oth side of things.
i tink i grew up, learning abt being even more positive from them!
my mum can b said as a workaholic, actually.
she can wk ot for days, come back only in the midnight, slp for only 2-3 hrs, get up, n go off to wk again.
yup, tt's my mum. she's used to it.

sths, i pity the kids/ppl who give things up rly halfway.
as in, i pity them when it's their parents who keep saying 'dun do already. dun wk anymore. stop all diz. forget abt it!'
it's lyk, y not give ur child/somebody the chance to excel?
if they're always being stopped, how will they ever know what are their limits??
if u dunno wad's ur limits, do u dare say u've lived ur life to the fullest?

i dunno abt others, but i won't.
even til nw, i can say i've seen alot of things, gd or bad.
but i also cant say tt i've lived my life to the fullest.

i noe tt there's alot of things i've yet to do!
lyk goin to snow city wif him.
playing badminton wif him n my family.
rly going to a home to volunteer some sort of services every wk.
nv rly sit down for some time wif my bunch of gd frenz to talk abt our lives.

mayb til nw, i've been kind of afraid.
it's the kind of worry which strikes me sths.
i dunno how far i can go in the future.
i can only tell myself to try my best in wadeva i do.
lyk nw, when i no longer feel anything in the company.
i'm still telling myself to keep working.
cuz i noe tt as long as i keep working, i noe, even when i leave diz place, i noe i haven't let myself down! :)

----------------------------------

to him: happy 52th anniversary! :D
it's been rly wonderful wif u ard. n i hope tt diz feeling will keep goin on n on.
thank u for taking the initiative to wish mi 1st diz morning.
it was a sweet feeling tt i wld never forget! :)

it's an addiction!

2009-06-22T12:29:00.004+08:00
:D

been addicted to the following song sang by raymond lam n vincy chan!

the mandarin version: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xLLlhsgPK-s&feature=related

the canto version: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NgGRgmD-kaQ

lyrics from: raymondlam.org

it's him! yes, him!

2009-06-19T12:09:00.005+08:00
wahahahaha!

today's post will not be dedicated for updates.

cuz it will be for.........

it's to inform everyone of my new love!!!!!

okie okie, nt exactly new.
but!
i'm kinda lyk even more interested/crazy cuz of him rite nw. =x

presenting him........ *drumrolls*
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RAYMOND LAM!!!

cute rite?
cute lo!
i'm 21 diz yr.
n juz starting to get gaga over celebrities?
gd enuff la.
i dun mind travelling to HK to c him thou. =x
Thou i rather he's in SG for some publicity purposes.

i love the shows he's in lo!
o my goodness. -.-

okie okie, i did spend effort n time searching for all these pics de okie!
i was soooo tired diz morning, n aft searching for him online, i'm feeling much better nw.
at least nt tired already.

credits to the following sites:
http://www.fungforever.net/html/image.php
http://www.raymondlam.org/gallery/displayimage.php?album=197&pos=11
http://blog.tvb.com/raymondlam/photo/index.php?idlink=http://blog.tvb.com/raymondlam/files/2009/06/picture-214-100x75.jpg&ref=http://blog.tvb.com/raymondlam/

i tink i'm gonna watch his shows very soon again! >.<

updates of 29th may 2009.

2009-06-17T12:22:00.010+08:00
AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

omg i'm feeling so so sooooo tired!!!!!
slept ard 12 plus,1 last nite aft tokin to him over the phone.

random stuff:
the net in office is pissing mi off. cuz it's been so so sooooo slow!
restaurant city is lagging lyk mad!!
talking abt that, it reminds mi of my fb status right nw.
it reads:
Tan Kailin
thinks that Bryan Teo shd be slapped.
Cuz he says I have a waitress look! T.T

yes! damn it.
cuz i was telling him afew of my frenz/relatives haf been hiring mi to wk as waitress.
den he mentioned tt i gt waitress face T.T
wth. hahaha!

was talking to broy diz morning.
when it comes to broy, okie, obviously we were bitching abt things again.
after all, he's my faithful bitching partner! HAHA!

*****back from lunch*****
i tink i'll juz carry on writing diz blog post for the r
est of the day.
o ya, i didnt mention tt i juz changed my seat again?
HAHA! wad a jk rite?
but diz time, it's nt cuz i wanted to rly change to the seat at the back.
it's juz tt.......
nvm.
shall do away wif it 1st.
will update wad i've done so far for the past 2-3 weeks!

--------------------
29th may: my bday party and graduation ceremony!
so so so.
finally aft 3 yrs.
reached sch ard 8am for the grad ceremony.
meow's dad was nice to pick mi up! :)
we started to wear our grad robes n everythin
g outside the audi.
took quite a number of pics aft the ceremony itself.
the whole grp of us were juz gathering ard taking pics.
one of the pics tt we took:

it's lyk i wasnt even rushing for time to go get things prepared for my bday party. haha!
left the sch ard 1 plus to go hm tk a shower n bring some of the things over there.
thank God girl was waitin for mi at hm.
but the pnt is, she helped mi carry the things over =x
we took a cab down to fetch meow so she can save the trouble of goin all the way to paya lebar by herself.
and the cab's car plate no was......

exactly the same date as my bday! :D

n i did ask the uncle whether i cld tk a pic of his car plate number hor..
he agreed to it den i took de.
he even asked mi to go buy 4d. -.-
but i didnt. hahaha..

my frenz went over to aunt mag's place.
killua went over rly early to help mi start the fire for the bbq n everythin.
he rly helped alot tt day!
thz killua! :D

shawn ang helped too. he helped to entertain my frenz, helped to bbq the food..
but he didnt help mi when edmw frenz were gonna throw mi into the pool!!! T.T
he even said 'it's okie la hor? once in a lifetime'
>.<

here's some pics that were taken..

Him and Me!

Him, Cali, Jie, Me, Paul, Rosen Jie

Alvin and Me

The series of pics that tells everyone what my EDMW frenz already had in mind...

My Poly Friends!! :D

21 years old!

My 2.5 kg Cake!

My sisters and my cousin tght with me!

Rosen, Paul, Him, Me, Jie, Girl and my nephew, Kenneth!!

Colleagues from Personae Studios :)

Some of the gals from my Sec School!

Wilson, Louis, Stan, Edmund

Wilson and Me

that's it! abit too many to upload all. :s
anyway, the rest of the pics are in my fb.
if my mood calls for it, den mayb i'll post the pics of the presents tt i gt! :)

aft the party, i went off elsewhere.
to celebrate my bday yet again, but diz time onli wif him! :)

random topic:
Bryan was saying tt my restaurant city layout looks lyk one of a court room. -.-
he even explained y he said tt.
'cooks lyk the judge, customers' tables lyk the lawyer's tables, chairs for the 'spectators'. '
hahaha!

gosh, i realized tt i rly blog slow n long winded.
okie mayb nt as long-winded as last time.
but looking at the time nw, i've onli blog abt one day of my life for the whole day???
it's gonna b 6pm and i will leave here lyk ard 6.03pm?

5.52pm!
counting down! :D
since there's nth much to do ard here anyway.

tml mayb might post more pictures. hahaha!
nw tt the network is faster. i tink.

wad a day.

2009-06-04T15:17:00.002+08:00
gosh.

shd i say it's been a bad day in the company?

tt i tot it ought to b better after bryan comes back from his few days break, and we can finally all sit down nicely n haf a nice lunch/chat.

den again.

fuck tt tot.
it didnt turn out tt well.

tch announced tt he was gonna leave the co after one of our projects.
meow said she might b leaving earlier den tch.
(tch shd b leaving ard early july. meow shd b leaving ard end of june.)

i hate the tot of it.
but i cant help it.

when asked y, tch didnt wan to say anything.

i fell into feeling lousy again.

so wad? i'm goin next?
ya, ya, ya.
might be. could be. may be.

it gets abit disappointing and upsetting, but wad can i do?

when i was talking to bryan aft lunch, tch came in, and i asked him y again.
diz time, he asked 'y do u need the reason?'
mi: cuz u always dote on us.
him: if loving u means keepin it from u, i'd rather do tt.
mi: no lo. if u love us, den u shd tel us so we can prevent it from happening again.

after which, it linked him to the qn, he asked 'n wad happened to u? y r u having such low morale diz days?'
mi: nth. dun say le.

i found it needless to say.
i found it pointless in carrying on.
and i left the room.

i just didnt want to lose control of my emotions and ust sit there to cry.

so, fuck tt tot.

lalalala~

2009-05-18T16:58:00.002+08:00
over the weekend:

15th may, Friday:
took leave on thurs for both meow n myself.
cuz 1st, it's a bit waste of time to juz come over in the morning, n go off at 12 noon to sch for the collection of the grad robe and to c the new interns.
so! meow, bryan n i were supposed to meet at 12 sharp.
n sth bad happened at hm.
i tink i nearly broke my window.
or rather, i tink i made it cracked.
it cracked into half.
n i started to panic cuz i didnt wan the window cracks to fall n kill someone downstairs. -.-
if i live on the 2nd or 3rd floor, i tink i wldnt b as worried. but living on the 9th floor didnt help things.
i was so afraid tt the fucking window will juz break, get shaky, fly down n hit somebody...

diz was wad happened:
i was closing the window when i heard a veri weird sound. n the next moment i checked on it, i saw a veri huge crack on the window.
i rmb tinking to myself 'i dun tink diz crack was here ytd when i closed the window.'

i hurried to call my dad, n my mum, cuz my dad didnt pick up his phone.
noe wad my mum said?
she said 'open the drawer n c whether there's any masking tape 1st. tape it up 1st.'
mi: huh?? ma, r u kidding mi? i'm so clumsy, who noes the window might juz fall outwards when i pressed gently to stick it all up?
she: well, it's beta den leaving it lidat. more risk of it dropping.

i decided to call my dad again.
n my dad's hp kept ringing. nobody picked it up.
i stood in front of the window n kept calling.
close to being too desperate to seek help, i tink i had tears welling up in my eyes.
in the end, i looked at the window, n started to tink of how i cld go abt using my mum's method.
whichever way i tot of, it cant possibly wk.

in the end, i kept calling my dad, til he finally picked up.
dad: kailin, wad happened?
mi: papa, can u come back hm now? the window cracked n i'm veri afraid tt it will drop n hit someone..
dad: okie. izzit shaky or still right in place n nt moving nw?
mi nt shaky. right in place, not moving.
dad: okie. den dun haf to b afraid. juz go off to wherever u need to go. dun b afraid. i'll go hm n fix it.
mi: okie...

aft he told mi nt to b afraid, i felt veri safe.
cuz i noe my dad is always a genius wif all diz household chores.
his assurance made mi felt safe, n tt i rly had nth to worry abt.

n to add on, it's been a while since i felt tt. :)

moving on!
i went to sch. actually ran for the bus.
tot i'll b late. in the end, meow n bryan reached later.
we went to collect our grad robes.
n it's 57 for the robe okie -.-

diz woman, i tink she's a lecturer, approached us to get us to help her in a video shoot.
we didnt wan to be in any video.
but she juz told us she needed 2 more students (meow n I).
the rest of them were already counted in -.-

guess wad happened?

meow, yong jie, bryan n I actually ran off when she wasnt looking. =x
okie la, abit bad la.
but we rly dun wan ma -.-

being random: i wan the rest of my money from FUSION back!

went to the fyp room.
to look at the new interns.
while being hungry doesnt help, waiting for an intern who's been gone for more den an hr for his lunch break doesnt help either.

damn. i hate waitin for guys. tt's juz dumb.

we waited for soooooo long.
n i started to get pissed.
i was even more pissed when he came in n didnt even apologise.
tt's juz rude. n i cant stand rude ppl.

when asked whether they cld crunch, the same intern mentioned tt he might nt be able to stay too late, cuz he has to 'meet his frenz'.

i said 'i'm okie, as long as u gif mi ur deliverables.'

yes, truth b told, u dun wan to mess wif the boss, but u wldnt wan to mess wif mi either.

i tink ppl in the company dun find mi veri nice to mess wif :s
tt's y when they always need an example of a fierce woman, they quote my name -.-''

when asked abt how's their fyp project, tt same intern said tt he's doing documentation nw, n i replied 'o.. no wonder ur lunch break so long...'

*yawns*

yeah, tt's mi. the sarcastic side of mi.
too bad for the person. =x

went to CCK showroom aft tt (the clothes showroom) wif meow.
gt a top costing 19.90 from there.
wanted to get more stuff. but nah, forget it, mayb another day.
plus i rly want to go elsewhere lyk shopping malls to tk a look at the clothes in there.
been itching to get clothes.
i even told jie 'next time they wan to audition for shopaholic again, i tink i shd go.'

-.-

it's true.
i tink i've been shopping too much.

aft the cck showroom, me n meow juz walked down to the bus stop n he called.
early for a book out. since it was onli 6.24pm.
we made arrangements to meet at yew tee st.
n meow n i even had to get out of the train in order to meet him on the platform itself.

went back to his hse wif him 1st, to put down his stuff n everything. he took a shower n we went off to J8 to meet EI n meow for subway followed by the movie, Wolverine.
nt a bad show actually.
beta den expected.

went back aft tt.
cuz next day, he n i were supposed to meet each oth early.

keyword, supposed.

16th may, saturday:

as usual, we didnt.

went to his place in the noon. tok abit, solved abit of things n were okie when we met up wif meow n the rest tt nite.
met up wif them at Iluma's Empire State.
waited for the food for quite some time.

the rest finished their food le, bogard, meow n my hawaiian pizzas still nt served yet. -.-
of cuz i started to get abit pek cek abt the wait.

awhile is okie. but to the extent the rest of the grp finished their food?
abt exaggerating, no?

wad i will do when i dine out:
i dun lyk to wait for long.
n whoeva says gd food muz b soooo long???
if food doesnt come, i will ask.
cuz normally aft tt, the food will come VERY fast.
n yeah, tt's wad happened.

*side note: if food doesnt come aft u ask for it, kp for it. if nt, change order la!*

went up to arcadia aft tt. watched desmond play some fighter game.
graphics nt rly there, but it's damn funny.
the characters, their outlook, their names, their special attacks. hahahaha!
it made all of us 'wth' while looking at it. hahaha!

when all of us decided to go hm, it was onli ard 11pm?

so he n i decided to go for a movie.
Angels n Demons.

quite nice. hahaha.
tinkin of getting the book n reading it.

movie ended ard 3 plus.
went hm aft tt.

17th may, sunday:

woke up ard 11 plus?
tt's the usual time for sundays.
went over to gran's hse for lunch.

in the late noon, juz b4 dinner, i was at my gran's hse, discussing abt the menu for my 21st bday wif my 2 aunties.
it sounds lyk they're cooking alot. *drools*

i might nt even wan to entertain much tt day cuz i wan to eat!!!! =x

there's gonna b some bbq food, homecooked dishes etc etc.....
n it's juz 2 wks away!

same goes for grad ceremony!
lalalala~

TODAY, 18th may:

gt pissed diz morning cuz of the freelancer.
well, he's supposed to be a fren.
but nw, he's rly juz an aqquiantance.
it's weird to c how ppl change, n of cuz tt includes myself.
he pissed mi off diz morning by turning against wad i said earlier on?
by saying alot of things tt i dun feel tt it's right??
i can actually copy n paste wadeva he said, but nah, kinda lazy to do so nw...
plus, forget it.
if tt's wad he wants to say, if tt's wad he feels it's right, screw it la.
cant b bothered anymore.
wif such weird ppl.

2009-05-10T20:47:00.003+08:00
i tot i've been rather crude when it comes to talking diz days.

like.

i tot i stopped for a period of time.
n wad? abusing vulgarities.

some might even turn to look at mi if i start to use those words.

for one, i'm nt ashamed of using the vulgarities in front of ppl.
n shd ppl use it on mi, i'll b more den happy to use it back on them.
othwise, it'll be cuz ppl start using it, den i'll be more than happy to use it back.

1st scenario:
him: wa... i tel u ah, the weather is fucking hot!
mi: izzit?! y izzit fucking hot?!

:D tt scenario happens every wk when i c him.
n tt's juz to irritate him into stop hurling vulgarities.

or.....
i use it often when i'm wif xinyi, rhian, ruiduan, chu ting, sihui n meow.
cuz when we gals get tght, we get fucking crazy and start using the vulgarities here n there.

any1 of them: *starts complaining abt sth* *adds on all the vulgarities in btwn*
mi: fucking hell! he tinks i lyk it ah?!!

n it happens every wk.
or mayb most of the days of the wk.

---------------
enuff abt vulgarities.
tok abt ytd nite while at alex's hse.
i overheard ed talking to him.

their convo went sth lyk diz:
ed: tt day u juz implied tt she's fat.
him: i didnt.
ed: yes u did.
him: no i didnt.
ed: gt lo.. u did say ma.
him: i didnt say she's fat.
ed: u implied.
*i started to stare at him. den pulled him over*

the day stopped there, cuz tt nite, it literally meant i stopped talking to him.
call mi petty.
o well.

he didnt want to explain. so forget it.

finally up with another post.

2009-03-29T21:46:00.006+08:00
n i tot my blog was gonna log mi out -.-
last post dated 16 dec. :S
n i finally haf the time to blog.
okie, mayb i had the time all along. but i was juz too lazy to do so.

-----
few veri short n general updates:
-----
went for xmas dinner wif cali, aiax, him n jie.
n the dinner was at Giraffe. costs 75 per person.
tt's w/out gst n everythin.
no jk -.-

i was telling jie tt the cali was abit.......... to actually bk tt place.
ex lo. it was lyk cutting right into our flesh -.-
-----
we broke up on new yr's eve.
tok things out but there wasnt any official thing goin on for us, sayin we're fine etc etc.
-----
went to xan's place for a chill out session.
tok to xan, alvin n meow abt problems btwn him n mi.
gd thing i haf them as frenz. :)
didnt stay cuz meow wasnt allowed to, so i juz went back wif her.
-----
went to alex's place for his birthday party on the 10th jan.
the usual gang was there, louis was there too.
n gosh, louis was mean when he said 'i've been waiting for u n him to break up since the 1st day both of u gt tght.'
damn him.
things were okie btwn him n mi tt day. nice. :D
-----
16th jan - met up wif chuting n ruiduan.
went to shokudo wif the both of them for dinner.
caught up wif lots of things.
n of cuz, glad to noe tt we're still the same kind of ppl bitching abt the same kinds of things in life. :)
-----
i finally stepped down from ateam. finally.
-----
he suddenly dote on mi alot.
i didnt noe y, but i felt weary n wary.
i suddenly gt afraid tt how things will go.
-----
he went to Taiwan on the 2nd March.
I went to c him off tght wif his family n frenz.
n once again, when i was there wif his frenz, i felt inferior.
i felt tt i was being neglected.
n it always happens when we're wif his frenz.
n the reason y i'm sayin it's his frenz n nt our frenz diz days?
cuz i dun feel comfortable.
nt to the extent i dun wan to go out wif them.
but juz to the stage whereby i'm onli existing in the grp cuz he's there.
fullstop.
-----
Fusion 5-7 March.
show was for DMD students.
the booths for DET students were lyk juz so small???
imagine an employer walking in, n seeing a grp of students sitting there playing UNO. hahaha!
how ridiculous right?
tt's wad we did during Fusion. =x
-----
20th March: DET06 party out.
quite a big grp of us were there.
me, meow, alvin, jason, albert, bogard, xan, desmond, bryan, jin, derek, leon, ed, mark, zhen rong, sam, mu jun, samuel, aaron, miss tan, mr michael ng, mr ng, mr Fritz, miss eda, mr stridha.............
loads. hahaha.
we reached ard 7.20pm??
onli to find out tt the lecturers involved were nt there yet.
in the end, a few of us went to Hip Diner's for dinner b4 going back to Blu Jaz Cafe for the party again. -.-
didnt drink tt day.
instead, went to chjimes to look ard n off for some youtiao n soya bean milk.
nearly went off for a movie as well. but didnt in the end.
leon stuck ard wif mi til the end of the day's outing so he cld drop mi off downstairs my hse. hahaha.
caught up wif leon abt lots of stuff.
lyk how he'll b going overseas aft graduating, n how he picked gals up.
tok abt how i find it scary when i c too big of a change in him.
n abt how it will strike him if he nv manage to shake it off.
-----
n ya, i'm officially working fulltime for Personae Studios, my attachment company.
things haf been fine for mi.
previously we actually stayed overnight for a few nights juz to finsih up a project.
but well, it gets quite addictive aft a while.
for nw, things haf been abit boring since we haf no particular projects to rush.
oth den tt, there will be abit of internal testing and bug-fixing for a few games.
n!
meow's starting wk on the 1st april! :)
juz hope everythin will b fine!
-----
he came back juz on fri.
i cabbed to airport. cost 15 bucks.
reached ard 12.
walked down to the arrival hall n reached there ard 12.05am. :S
went to toilet n juz nice, i met amanda leong there. haha!
she was there to pick her bf up too.
wad a small world.
plane landed ard 12.35am.
n the info he gave was wrong -.-
luckily i checked the web b4 i went out.
turns out to b T1 instead of T2.
he reached ard 1.15am? n came out ard 1.30am. :S
his family was there too, wilson cldnt go cuz he had wk the next morning.
went hm in his father's dad's car.
okie, the auntie said i'm swt-looking. twice okie.
it's a compliment but he's been laughin it away abt the compliment.

scenario:
mi: eh! the auntie said i'm swt-looking! twice somemore!
him: rly? okie.
mi: eh wad's ur meaning? she also tot i'm ur mum's daughter.
him: nth. but y r u so happy abt it? u so hard up on compliments meh?
mi: i'm nt! but i cannot b a bit happy meh?
him: can......

-.-
-----
met him up ard 1 plus on sat.
he came over to put down the snacks he gt from Taiwan for my family.
also gt a soft toy panda for mi.
followed by some wooden plagues, badges, a cosplay 'costume', couple shirts.
went out tght n spent the day tght.
it was abit too real to be true.
it's lyk i dun expect him to b back tt fast.
n it's lyk he has onli the wkends n he has to go back to camp tml morning.
gd one there -.-
-----
was great spending the time wif him, but will be even better if he has more time out.
n tt, i wldnt mind taking leave for it. :D
wad a waste.
-----
tok abt certain stuff wif him while he was overseas n thruout the day we spent tght.
juz told him i dun wan to feel inferior anymore.
haf had enuff of it, i guess.
he promised to mk things better n we've agreed tt i will hug him whenever i feel neglected when we're out wif his frenz.
-----
as ridiculous as it might sound, but i told him too, tt our frenz haf been asking whether we're back tght, n i always tel them 'No.' =x

we shall wait n see. hehe.
-----
been abit panicky abt my birthday plans diz yr.
celebrating 21st birthday.
but cant find a place yet.
needs a veri big chalet or sth to haf the celebration.
$$$$$$$$$$$ -.-
-----
went to haf dinner wif my family today.
i paid for it. since i've gotten my pay.
109 bucks.
the person nearly charged mi 154 bucks -.-
n knowing tt my aunt will check the receipt, i didnt check at all. hahaha!
-----
planning to wear the couple shirt next wkend when we go out.
n also planning to get the waffles jacket. nt sure whether shd.
if get it = couple jacket? since he has it too. haha!
-----

everything's in brief details cuz i didnt haf the time to rly juz update everything.
shall post pics soon, i hope :S
pics of us, mi n my frenz n wad i gt from him. :D

meanwhile, let mi juz say, i think i'm supposed to be a bitch at wk -.-

great friends :)

2008-12-16T11:05:00.003+08:00
hahaha! i tell u.

human beings need friends.

for one, I noe tt I have friends who support me and help me to get onto my feet anytime I fall.

One perfect example of such a good friend: MEOW THENG.

hahaha!

u noe she's the kind who will always be willing to help you up.
u noe she's really sincere when it comes to helping you up.
n u noe she wldnt let u shed a single tear if she can help it :)

tt's meow, my friend! :D

i'm proud tt i haf a friend like her.

of cuz, i dun forget other friends I have!

i'm waiting to go out with other ppl!

ppl lyk Si Hui!!
We nv fail to get tght, get sarcastic with each other, laugh at each other, bitch abt other ppl and enjoy the time tght! hahaha!

tt's us.

we dun meet up tt often, but still, we enjoy the time tght.
it's difficult to meet up due to differing schedules, but i'm hoping tt we can meet up more once we graduate! :D

she juz told mi tt day tt she's gt long stories to tell mi.
guess i haf long stories too :)

waitin for her to return from bangkok.
n she'll call mi soon, hopefully. haha!

she's scheduled to return today.
but dunno wad time will she b back in sg.

si hui is always a person who can make mi smile. since pri sch til now :)

n gosh, when is marion coming back?!!!! tt boy! he juz told mi wen b soon due to recession. :S
another gd friend gone.

hmmm, due to some reasons, i felt lyk talking to miss wati just now.
she's always someone 3e4 students can look up to.
she was the form teacher of our class tt yr.
nice n always approachable :)
felt lyk talking to her about my problems.
but dunno where I can begin.

hopefully the problems can be solved soon.

I think, I hope, I wish.

I Think, I Hope, I Wish.

2008-12-16T10:57:00.003+08:00
the office secretary, Sharon, asked mi ytd 'ur feelin moody today?'
mi: ya, bad wkend, tt's y.
she: mayb monday blues.
mi: haha, den i'm gonna get wkday blues diz wk.
she: wad happened?
mi: juz feeling veri sian. *second tots* had quite a big argument with my bf.
she: o, can c tt, actually. dun worry, it's normal for arguments to happen, dun worry, everything will be fine.
mi: dun tink it's easy..
she: y? things can be worked out.
mi: but the thing is he nearly wanted to break up. aft tt den we agreed tt we'll tok diz coming wkend.
she: still, i believe everything will b alright, dun worry la..

------------
juz nw she asked, 'so did ur bf call u?'
mi: no.
she: sms?
mi: no.
she: den u nv call or sms him?
mi: gt... ytd i called him, he did call back. he said he had a long day.
------------

hmmm.... mi n meow r tokin on msn nw.
she thinks tt things can be worked out n hopes tt things will be fine between mi n him.
i told her 'i think so too, i hope so too, n i wish so too.'

thus, the title for diz post: I Think, I Hope, I Wish.

post dedicated to my friend, marion.

2008-12-15T16:26:00.004+08:00
marion was nice. but demanding!

he was giving mi instructions on how to follow his blog -.-
he said it's easier to track my blog diz way. but i told him he's juz plain lazy. haha.

okie, we talk abt abit of things. n he took my mind on n off from the matter.
it's too bad he's away in Canada.
cuz he rly makes a very gd friend.
him being in Canada makes the both of us realize a number of things.

for him, he realized tt, those frenz who said 'we'll meet up when u come back. so rmb to call us!' -> n when he calls?
they're either bz with their own stuff, or just cant b bothered.

i realized, tt no matter how far away the oth party is, as long as u still haf the means to contact him/her, it all boils down to ur sincerity in keeping tt gd fren of urs :)

anyway, he was getting mi to put a profile pic for my blog so tt he can link mi up in his blog... aft so many tries n so long... he juz told mi tt the pic has finally been uploaded. he said it's cute... eew... :S

he told mi i'm lyk him in the past, onli tt he was feeling much better.
he said lyk mi, he was isolating himself from everyone.
so ya...
received smses, but I dun reply at all.
msn, depends on who.
some i replied, but politely told them tt I dun feel lyk goin out when they asked mi out.
marion n meow were the ones I reply to, answering their qns etc.

mayb tt's juz mi.
dun feel lyk meetin anyone, dun feel lyk talking abt anything more to anyone. :)

still crying. i cried again.

2008-12-15T10:43:00.003+08:00
hmmm..
i rmb the start of this blog.
'Life is juz alittle sth from mi to u'
This was dedicated to him :)

Lots of the posts were blogged cuz of him.
Lots of the emotions were felt cuz of him.

I'm starting it again. Guess I will be blogging more this few days.

There's alot of pics tt I said I will put up, but never did.
I wonder whether there'll still be time n chances for mi to put up.

I've been thinking alot this few days.
about what I can do if things happen, about what I can do on the next talking session.

I've been crying alot to myself.
during bedtime, so much tt I cldnt get to sleep.
onli to realize tt I had cried myself to sleep the previous night n find myself waking up next morning and the whole vicious cycle starts.
Anywhere - on the bus, in the office.
The last time I cried anywhere was in the labs I guess. I think Bryan was startled when he saw me crying back then.

I have to say sorry to my friends and to my sisters.
Sorry for worrying them, but I dun think I will ever have the courage to say it to them.
tt's the way I am, i guess.

But besides saying sorry, I still have to say my thanks to my dear friends, for being there for me all along.

To my gd friend, Meow: I'm sure tt u will read this someday. Just want to say a very big thank you to you. u've been there with me when I feel way over the clouds or when I'm down in the pits. I noe it's not tt easy for u to hear mi out when I have problems, esp when I called u n just cried tt day, but I'm really appreciative of u being understanding and patient.

To Gilch, Killua, Cali, FJC and Aiax: ty guys for hearing mi rant. definitely not easy for u all esp when u guys have enuff problems of ur own. I noe u guys are always there, just to make a friend like me smile :)

To Wake and Marion: ty for giving mi the encouragement tt I need occassionally. I noe u guys can always be depended on to hear mi out.

To Xin Yi: ty for being there when I need someone to tok to too. jiayou for ur r/s too. hope u can have a happy ending with alex :)

To Desmond, Bogard, Cheryl, Eileen and Jason: FYP will be even more difficult for me to pass the days if u guys werent there. Thz for being my buddies for gossiping and bitching during that period of time.

without my friends, I believe tt I wldnt have come so far :)

But without Him, I believe I wouldnt have gotten by my life happily.

To Him: I believe we can still carry on, but it will get difficult and even more challenging if we want to work things out. definitely not easy, but that is if you're still willing to carry on.

I want to cry tonight.

2008-12-15T10:08:00.003+08:00
i broke down crying this morning.
was I thinking of him? yes.
was I thinking of the happy times we had together? yes.
was I thinking of what we said we'll do together? yes.
was I thinking of telling him that I really miss him alot? yes.

but I never did send that msg out.
I dare not to.
I dare not say anything more.

abit too painful for me, but I'm still hanging on.

goodbye peeps.

2008-12-13T20:25:00.002+08:00
time to open my blog but seal myself off.
been too tired, i guess.

dun really think i will talk if anyone sees me in real life.
on msn, maybe. it depends.

perhaps right now, i just need a hug.

sorry, i'm regretting already.
maybe it's better for you this way.

2008-11-01T13:53:00.002+08:00
was at ateam's halloween night ytd.
came back to watch tv b4 goin back to sch at 8pm. haha!

anyway
didnt rly enjoy the nite.
------------------------------
at 10.02pm, he finally called.
he was finally back from field camp.
we tok for ard 8mins 50secs.
n i gt to noe tt he wasnt able to bk out the next day (sat).
he can onli bk out on sun morning 6am due to live range.
asked him whether he wanted mi to meet him at boon lay mrt on sun.
but he said no, n told mi to slp in more.
i was disappointed to noe tt he can onli bk out on sun instead of sat.
n tt was y i cldnt enjoy the rest of the nite at all.
i called him a 2nd time. tok for awhile, n i started tearing.
i really miss him alot.
n nobody can replace the emptiness tt was left inside me.
------------------------------
came back home ard 12mn.
wei liang's dad went to the sch to fetch us.
he seems nice :)

slept early. juz wanted to slp the nite and the next morning away, so i wldnt b awake tinking of him.

2008-10-31T00:28:00.003+08:00
i suddenly let fear overcome me....
warm tears burning my eyes..
n i wish tt i'm asleep now........

suddenly, i tot 'i might b afraid again'

n maybe i lose my hopes yet again...

2008-10-30T20:46:00.002+08:00
hmmm
wad did i do today?
o ya.
today's jason bdae!
so we gave him a present early in the mornin, the one tt's a freebie.
gt him a 100 bucks earphone.
n slip in earpieces was the freebie.
we noe he doesnt lyk it, cuz he cant wear those cuz they will constantly slip out! =x

we pretended, n the grp of us gathered ard him.
n we asked 'jason, y gif u the present, but u dun seem happy?'
he said he was, hahaha!
tt we dunno how true was tt.
mayb he's happy he gt a present too! :)

o ya.
mornin: jonan overheard bogard tellin mi abt wanting to get b'fast from south canteen.
i wanted to haf sandwich from splash n decker den.
but jonan tot i was goin to south.
he said 'ur goin to south canteen rite? (can)help mi buy .......'
mi: i'm nt goin to south canteen.
*turns away b4 he cld say more*

siao.
in the end i went to south canteen wif bogard. hahahahaha!
but eh! tt was a last min decision k!

was tokin to eileen n cheryl n they were sayin tt they heard stuff abt jonan n dexter from their frenz who went for the Tokyo study trip.
apparrently they werent tt well-liked there.
n a guy fren of them caught det guys sniffing dmd gals' pillows.
omg. freaking gross alright??? -.-

went out to s11 for lunch.
aft eating, wei jin n jing long went to collect the cake.
------------------------------------------
rite aft they went off, diz 4 prcs came by, sat down at the table behind us.
WITHOUT having the cheek to even ask us whether the seat is occupied, one of them pulled wei jin's chair away.
n aft tt, they put the dirty cups left behind by others right on table!
when WE HAVE NOT LEFT THE TABLE!
when WE WERE STILL SITTING ON TT TABLE!

o my gosh!
R THEY FUCKING BLIND?!!!!
NB!

O WRONG!
THEY R FUCKING RUDE!
BLOODY HELL! NO MANNERS LO!

nvm tt.
i said 'nvm la! get another chair ltr lo!'
the grp of us looked at them.
SO RUDE LA!
if u wan the chair, freaking ASK!!
y?!! no mouth to ask?
or simply cuz they're fucking DUMB and HAVE NO MANNERS?!!
NB!!!
ki si la!
------------------------------------------
okie back to tt.
tink jason was rather surprised by the cake. haha.
o ya, jun ming was there to join us too.
he came down from iap.
took a short video of jason thanking us for the celebration.

took the cake back, so we can share wif the rest.
i kept the present in my jacket, behind mi.
everyone who saw the present behind mi kept laughin at mi. -.-
it looked lyk i haf a hunchback or sth.
we gt jason to close his eyes, so tt i can get the present out n pass it to him.
he was happy i guess. haha!

so! b4 we started singing the birthday song, jonan came out of the toilet.
n ya, he juz stood there (no, we DID NOT invite him to join in)
we guessed he juz wan the cake.
but i tink he waited for too long, n aft tt went back to the lab.
hahahaha!

was tokin to aiax juz nw.
tok to him abt some feelings tt i haf on msn.
feelin beta thou.
told aiax i will b letting shawn noe wad r the things tt i'm feeling.
hope he can rly understand my pov.
n hope everything will be fine :)

can't wait to see you...

2008-10-29T22:33:00.002+08:00
okie!
back from dinner wif the rest.
i mean padi, wake, seng, aiax, veg, killua n jie!
veg gt mi a belated bdae present.
5 mths belated, to b exact.
gift was a Parker pen.
hope it's nt too expensive.

feelin veri warm n tired.

tonite shall nt blog for too long n slp st aft tt!

deciding whether shd go for ateam's halloween nite diz fri.
he'll b in camp :(

o ya. tokin abt him.
i forgot to ask stan whether they'll b free for dinner. -.-
nvm. guess i'll cal him tml.

today in sch, showed jason n gang, sam, dexter, wen hao n luo yi the blog post i made ytd!
all of them laughed!!
same said 'wow.. i'm seeing u in a new light'

aft i met up wif killua n the rest, we were making fun of padi's 'fav' vulgarity - nb =x
we tested the diff ways of sayin it. gentle, fierce etc.. hahahaha!

went to look for some props at ntuc aft tt.
halloween props i mean....

i went off from sch ard 4 plus?
aft fusion talk.
there's suposed to haf diz 'Tokyo study trip sharing session'
but we cant b bothered to go =x
we juz went for the fusion talk n the comm was asking us abt wad concept we wanted.
but ya
the person using the bloody mic wasnt tt polite.
n our grp had the feeling tt he juz wanted us to say 'OK I AGREE WITH THIS SUPERHEROES THEME'
we felt tt we juz dun rly haf the rite to decide?
i mean
he was sayin things lyk 'okie. save the trouble. juz choose superheroes.'
n we were lyk 'so wad's the purpose of askin us to come down here from fyp?' (when he said ppl r unhappy wif the superheroes concept itself)
the way he replied ppl.
isnt tt nice either.
it's juz freakin rude.

rite. enuff abt him. if i'm in the mood to post pics tml, i will.
shall go to bed for nw.

waiting for you to come back from field camp...

2008-10-28T21:15:00.006+08:00
okie. today was juz tired.
didnt rly slp well.
finally dozed off ard 1, 1 plus?
n his msg came in ard 2.10am.
o ya! he called mi ard 6.48am diz mornin.
i woke up feelin abit gong.
22 secs call n moving on!
he said he had to go off for field camp. so yup.
n we agreed to meet at boon lay mrt station diz coming sat, aft he bk out.
hmm. thinking of getting stan n gang to meet us at botak jones. so he can meet them too.
idea~
hahaha! c how 1st.

missing him . wondering how he's doing so far.
hope he doesnt lose focus.
n prayed tt he'll be safe n fine thruout :)

anyway
today gt irritated by jonan while in fyp rm.
damn bastard sia, tt guy!
kns!

okie story telling starts!
1st i walked over to cheryl n eileen's seats to tok to them for awhile.
next when i came back, i saw the paper on my workstation torn.
paper was torn by some f*cker. (WORD ONLY CENSORED CUZ MY DEAR DOESNT LYK ME SAYING IT)
So ya back to it.
i turned away n asked jason n desmond 'who tear my paper?'
they looked at it n said dunno.
n i replied 'some f*cker.'

aft awhile, i walked back to cheryl n eileen's seats.
den i saw a small pce of paper on dexter's desk.
yes it's true tt the paper look too neat to b torn by someone juz lidat.
but i juz turned to jason n gang n said 'o! he's tt f*cker!'
den we laughed.
they walked towards dexter n said 'cannot b, the paper cut too neat'
den i looked at jonan, who was standing behind dexter, n said 'jonan, did u tear my paper?'
j: yes i did. (n i felt tt his tone was tt of 'i did not do anythin wrong at all')
*cant b bothered n turns away*
jason/desmond: how can juz tear lidat?
j: ltr return her la!
jason/desmond: how to return? *laughs*

ya lo. true wad.

if he rly gt paper
he wldnt need to freakin tear my paper le rite? TMD!!! rly f*cker!
dumb!

so i guess he was feelin sore abt wad we said.
n aft awhile
when i was goin thru rui's pics on facebook, he walked past n said 'i noe u lyk to tk pics, but i didnt noe u lyk to pose lidat'
mi: huh? which one?
j: there. the one which looks lyk zombie. (rui will kill him if she noes bloody jonan is calling her zombie)
mi: tt's my fren.
j: izzit? (voice drowns off n shutting the hell up)

next, i switched to my facebook profile.
n he said 'ee.... tt's ugly'
o n which pic was he tokin abt?
i can tel u, it's either my current profile pic, or another of rui's pic tt he saw (cuz her pic was on my profile pg as well)
n wad's my current profile pic?
diz:
n he says it's ugly??
look who's the one talking??
n u noe wad I did??
i put 'ur nt tt nice either. in fact, ur UGLY! :D' as my MSN nick.
HA-HA!
YES! he's in my contact list.
precisely tt's so. I WANT HIM TO SEE IT!!

correct! he ALWAYS thinks he's tt gd looking??

the last 2 times luo yi showed us his gf pic.
u noe wad tt f*cker said?
he said 'so ugly, nt nice'
remarks lidat!
how bastard can he get?!
nt onli tt! he's a bloody backstabber!
n ya
he can say things lyk 'aft i came back from japan, i feel tt i cannot face the women here. in japan they're rly chio...' etc etc
ya n for tt, i shot back 'den u go back to japan lo'
haha! kns! who does he tink he is? some guy from det onli lo! kns!
if he's gd lookin, he says others nt gd looking, i still can 'omg. thou ur gd looking, dun haf to say others rite?'
but nw.
HE IS NOT EVEN GD LOOKIN LO!
HE SHD FREAKING TAKE A GOOD LOOK IN THE MIRROR HIMSELF MAN!
tt time when luo yi showed us his gf's pic for the 2nd time, n there the hell he was, making RUDE comments again, i asked 'so u gt gf?' (pls ppl, do sense the sarcasm when i said tt)
j: gt. but dun show ur the pic
mi: aiya show us the pic la.
j: dun wan. show ur for wad?
luo yi: he dun haf gf, how to show?
*luo yi n I were giggling aft tt*

=x

well, he deserves it okie??

n yes. juz cuz he's been so RUDE all diz while, making veri veri fan jian comments abt ppl w/out taking a gd look in the mirror himself (hey i'm already being veri nice. he shd thank mi tt i didnt ask him to piss n tk a gd look at it using it! =x)

O YA!! BACK TO IT!!

since he's been so f*cking rude!

i shall!

show how DAMN 'GOOD-LOOKING' he is alright? *shy*
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tadah!!!

sibei 'GOOD LOOKING' RITE?!!

nb! still dare to say my bf ugly!
ki si la! tmd! =x

he shd b glad i nv scold him nb st to his face k!
nvm~ we shall wait n c how much longer i can tolerate.
who noes? it might b tml den i explode!
he will noe i'm nt one to b trifled with!

or else~~~

wait til the end of fyp!
n he'll regret for ever stepping on the toes of TAN KAILIN!

til den! shall update more den!

*my sis is sayin i'm so horrible!*
*tt bloody f*cker den horrible lo! tt kns ......*

up to anyone to guess tt word
starts wif 'F'
ends with 'T'
*winks*

I M SO SATISFIED WITH THIS POST =x

2008-10-27T23:15:00.003+08:00
FaceBook status: Tan Kailin realises that she still misses him.

he juz tok to mi for awhile.
told mi he's been nice today, cuz he's been msging mi the whole day.
yes i noe dear. ur the sweetest.

i cldnt bear to hang up the phone when he told mi he misses mi.
but i cldnt bear to hang on much longer over at the oth end.
at one time, i felt lyk asking him to juz hang up.

and i realised over the yrs, i haven't changed.
the feelings haven't changed.

i still miss him.
i'm worried and i noe i will miss him.
juz lyk how i was worried n noe i will miss him whenever he went overseas wif our frenz in the past.

i told him to tk care of himself.
cuz it's gonna b tough.

i noe the next few days definitely won't be easy for mi since he'll b in field camp.

i teared abit. but my voice remained strong.
no, i won't let him b worried abt mi during his field camp.

he told mi he'll be callin mi for a short chat tml morning.
juz hope i can keep my cool during the chat.

i'll be waiting for you, patiently...

2008-10-21T23:33:00.001+08:00

damn.

2008-10-20T16:30:00.009+08:00

i'm so bloody angry!

there was a server problem!

n my long post of wad was written the past 2 hrs was juz gone lidat!

damn it.

smart ah???

2008-10-16T20:45:00.002+08:00
rite. last min email by tt SMART person. so last min, tt i doubt tt she's even concerned abt oth ppl AGAIN.

rite. i shdnt type

shd juz copy n paste.

1st part:
1) Club Funds-- As your know that we need alot of funds for the upcoming events and installation. Kailin, I need you to prepare the " Cash In & Cash Out" list, reimburse everyone and tell me how much are left in the club funds so far.
*Note: All excos please assist in collecting the $2 Club Funds and Camp-Tees money from your buddy group members for those who have yet to pay up and give it to kailin on Monday.
Kailin, I would like you to send to all excos the list of those who have yet to pay up so that it is easier for them to chase payment. Please send the list by tonight. Thanks!

ya smart ass.
i sent the list out long ago???
n she demands to haf the list again by tonite??? _|_

2nd part:
5) Decorations & Logistics-- Monica and Kailin, I will let the both of you take charge of this. The venue will be the same as last year's, TFA. By Monday meeting, I want to see yours' ideas on where and what to decorate, the layout etc. As for the Logistics, that will be the later part when door gift, deco items and token of appreciation are finalised. Your can find your committee of about 3 members who are good at this to help you out with the decorations.

last min tel us diz kind of thing.
when we dun even haf the installation theme n col??
kns. no wonder monica called her brainless. kns.
MON LE!!!
siao!
she tink wad? she wkends free means ppl also free ah? knn.

last min always lyk to do diz kind of things. fucked up. nb

forever man. -.-

happy again today.

2008-10-15T23:12:00.004+08:00
he promised tt he'll treat mi well n nice. n he rmbed tt he said it on mon!

i really love the way he's talking so nicely to mi.
once again, i'm feeling blessed.
he said diz sat's expenses will be on him.
he said let tt b his 1st contribution towards being nice to mi.

i'm feeling the love between us again.
he said he'll let mi noe if his fren, lulu is there.
it's nice knowing tt he wans my trust.
it's nice hearing him say tt his issues are somehow solved.

it's nice hearing his sweet voice over at the other end.
it's nice hearing his voice so close.
but it's nt nice when he seems so close, but i can onli listen to him talk.
i told him to let mi talk. cuz i was really close to tearing.
it's nt being too emotional.
it's juz tt, i realised, i really miss him.

it's a feeling i don't ever want to forget.
it's a feeling i really miss having.
it's a feeling i just want to have in my life for the rest of my lives.

just because.

i love u, dear :)

.

2008-09-16T14:36:00.015+08:00
juz because i did wrong, u left me for good.

lalala~

2008-09-16T14:36:00.014+08:00
dunno wad will happen aft today
told gilch diz:
i'm feelin rly veri upset now.
tonite will b the nite le
aft today he n i might nt b in contact le.
cuz i told him i wan to move on.
n he said he'll help mi.
i dunno whether it's a gd thing or nt.
it ought to b a gd thing?
but i cant help but cry.

in any case, gdbye :)

on msn..

2008-09-16T14:36:00.013+08:00
he said he'll help mi move on.

aft today, to him, it'll b okie.
he'll haf no worries.

tonite, will b the last night...

ty to fjc, meow, xin yi n gilch.. those who haf supported mi thruout diz tough period. ty :)

to someone special :)

2008-09-16T14:36:00.011+08:00
wa!! finally able to LOG INTO MY OWN AC!!

been havin so much problems. dunno whether it's cuz i'm in sch or nt -.-

anyway!!

juz wan to log in to say diz!

diz is a post specially dedicated to MY GD FREN, MEOW THENG!!!
might b a long post, tt's y nt gonna tag everythin i wanna say to u there :)

she posted the following in her blog:

I wanna ask all my friends out there.
For this time.
Whether if they read or not.
Am I just a good weather friend?
Are you all just good weather friends?
Do you care about me?
Do you want me to care for you?
Do you want me to treasure your friendship?
Or simply dun care at all?
Am I good friend to you, when u said I am a good friend?
Am I best friend to you, when you said I am your best friend?
Am I truthful?
Are you?
DO you care about my friendship?
Do you think I am just another person which you could not be bother?
Do you despise me cos I am not competent, the best, smart, cool.

n nw, here i m, to ans her qns :)

to meow:
i'm nt gonna ans everythin pnt to pnt.
But i'm juz gonna tel u.
i dunno whether i'm a fair-weather fren to u or nt.
But TO ME, you are my GOOD FRIEND!
i treasure diz friendship or ours, n seriously, it doesnt matter whether u find urself nt competent, smart or cool enuff.
u noe i dun care abt diz, rite?
cuz to mi, ur nth BUT the BEST!

smile more, gal.
lyk i said b4, i'll always b there for u to look mi up.
call mi anytime n u can always expect someone at the oth end to tok to u, or even juz to listen to wadeva rantings u haf.
tk gd care, gal. :)

quotes

2008-09-16T14:36:00.010+08:00
watchin hana kimi jap version nw.. learnt a few things n it's so true aft i tot it thru! :)
if u gif up on the most impt things in ur life, u'll gradually lose urself.
hard work will definitely be rewarded. the rest is to believe in urself.
people who can lie to themselves, are lonely, and in pain.
put others ahead of urself.
myself:
perservere, n things will be fine someday :)

waiting...

2008-09-16T14:36:00.001+08:00
juz had mac hotcakes for breakfast.. =p

anyway
was out ytd

n i tink the fair amt of tears gt mi quite tired for nw -.-

freakin tired, wif nth to do at all in fyp rm -.-

ytd:
told him tt i'm saving money, for marriage i said.
n he said nt enuff money.
mi: no need wad. the guy will pay, nt mi =x
him: huh. but i also nt enuff money
mi: i nv say it's u wad! =xx
hehe!

case study 2: (haha!)
he said i'm nt a burden, n he's feelin beta abt things

case study 3:
we can actually make fun of S.E.A Jr -.-

case study 4:
told him tt i dunno how i'll feel if one day i c his facebook profile turn to 'in a r/s', but it's nt mi.
he asked mi nt to b silly, cuz it wldnt happen.

case study 5:
u gave mi the present tt u bought from m'sia
u mentioned tt u wanted to get shoes for urself
but i tink the budget for my gift exceeded the amt? tt's y u cldnt get ur shoes rite?

had a wonderful nite ytd. thank you. =)

cant thank u enuff for tt.
it'll tk more den juz a simple thank you.

suddenly tot abt wad u mentioned tt day, abt the proposal.
i dunno how ur feelin nw, but mayb it's rly nt the time to u.

plannin for friday....

n waitin for it to come =)

waiting...

2008-09-16T14:36:00.000+08:00
weeeee!!!

pass all my modules!! =p

congrats to all who passed!
congrats to my gd fren, meow who gt an A
congrats to alvin, fadilah who gt distinctions!

wahahaha!
happy mood today!

cuz he's coming to sch ltr!
at 4.30pm!

waiting waiting waiting!

2008-09-15T15:53:00.016+08:00
somehow i feel tt i'm still waitin for a miracle to happen.
but somehow i don't feel like thinking abt him anymore.
call me weak, call me fragile.
i juz want to be happy.

it's still in his capability to make me happy.
but as long as this continues, nth changes, i'll still continue to pine n harbor hopes for everything.

i want to stop crying. i want to stop thinking.

go. i don't wish to think anymore.

bit by bit...

2008-09-15T15:53:00.008+08:00
i m feeling so bored...

missing my fren.. meow where r u? i miss the days we chat on msn =(

i miss my holidays
but nvm!

aft fyp n attachment, will b graduation! =)

nic came by wif a pack of toffees which he gt from candy empire.
didnt eat it cuz i'm nt rly feelin tt gd. feel lyk vomiting. n the smell of it makes it somehow worse.
but nvm! i treated everyone i noe in the 2 fyp rooms.

hope everythin will end fast =)

hmmm.. i dunno.. but m i forgettin him already?

perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.

2008-09-11T19:50:00.004+08:00
things r okie already.
we watched tv lyk b4.
we talked. nicely. we laughed.

perhaps i've been longing for things to b right for veri long.
perhaps i've been thinking of him for too long.
perhaps i've been deceiving myself for far too long.

cuz it's juz a dream, tt i had diz morning.

2008-09-08T10:29:00.006+08:00
wooooooooo!!!!!!!!!

still in sch nw doin nth?

had napfa trainin juz nw.
was supposed to b dining wif him n his section mates but he's started eatin, n he still asks mi whether i wan to join him?
how nice, to offer, but so sry, i dun feel it.

fucking pissed!
fucking bored!

i fucking hate ppl who make empty promises
i fucking hate ppl who create false hopes!!!
i fucking hate ppl who onli tinks tt they can do it, but i cant

too many f words ard?
nt happy? fuck off.

2008-09-08T10:29:00.004+08:00
tokin to andra on msn nw

his personal msg:
give me back my point of view, cos i just can't think for you.

makes mi wonder...

my ah ma!!!

2008-09-08T10:29:00.003+08:00
been long since i blogged!!

anyway!!

today was on my way to sch as usual

saw ah ma downstairs her hse

at her void deck tokin to her frenz

saw her turnin ard n walked away aft tt

n i juz called out to her

wanted to tel her i wen b eatin tonite

but i juz shouted out 'AH MA!!!!'

she turned ard.. n waved back..

made mi felt great! she made my morning! cuz i smiled when i saw her waving back at mi =)

2008-08-08T00:07:00.002+08:00
nt gonna meet him tml again, offered to meet him but he said cant meet for long cuz he's goin out at nite.. nvm den.. dun meet then.. always been diz way.. sick n tired of it.. didnt expected him to rly spend his wkends wif mi anyway, i noe i juz dun mean anythin...

guess will b a long time b4 we meet

one wk, one mth, or one yr?? =)

fated to meet, but maybe just not fated to be together...

n it's lesser den 2 days.....

2008-07-08T23:00:00.001+08:00
alrite

i haf to admit

i'm juz naturally worried abt him...

hope he'll b fine, no matter wad...

little, but meaningfull things..

2008-07-08T01:48:00.002+08:00
i juz rmb wad he did:

it was on my notepad -> blog.txt

sths will put my tots on tt notepad...

14/3/2008, friday, 2.34am:
he sent mi an email... regardin some QnA abt frenz n family... n he left a msg in tt mail.. sayin 'Thursday never did come.. we're still save. gdnite'

i saw diz, n i juz cried..
diz was when we were tokin the last time abt whether we shd haf a clean break or nt..
but i was afraid tt thurs(the day we're supposed to meet n tok abt it) will come..
n in the end, he emailed mi diz..

little things lyk mi, always juz make mi veri touched, i guess..
so when he said our love was onli skin-deep, i didnt agree...
i dun, cuz at least i noe tt it's nt lyk tt...

i'm sorry, really sorry...

2008-07-08T01:11:00.004+08:00
i noe i disappointed him juz nw
i noe i angered him juz nw
i noe i worried him juz nw
i noe i scared him juz nw
i noe i shocked him juz nw
i noe i hurt him juz nw

i noe i noe i noe!!!!!
i noe i was being stupid n selfish juz nw
i juz wanted to b happy for tt moment n aft juz nw

i juz wan to shout out nw
i juz wan to say a million apologies to him
i wan to tel him i'm really sorry for makin him worry juz nw
i juz wan to go on bended knees to beg him to gif us another chance
but i noe he wldnt
nothing i say will change anythin.. nothing...

i dunno how i should tel him i really wan both of us to nt tk things so lightly n to just cherish diz relationship properly..
i noe tt diz doesnt come by just lidat..
i noe tt we've been thru alot.. 3 yrs r nt just snappin ur fingers n everythin will be gone lidat... tt's y i'm unwilling to gif up nw..
nothing will make mi gif up nw.. wadeva, juz cal mi stubborn...
i dun wan us to wait til there's no more chance to salvage diz den both of us start to regret..
i dun wan anythin to happen to either of us b4 we start to regret..
cuz by den, tt will really b too late for us to do anythin..
the reason y i keep persisting, is juz cuz i really love him alot... n i noe tt he still does too...
we've regretted alot of times in our lives, in our relationship, tt's y i do not wan to gif up at diz point of time, n juz let go of everythin lidat...

i'm sorry, really sorry. 但我真的受伤了。。

sin: envy

2008-07-07T18:05:00.002+08:00
i told him i envy jt
n he told mi he envy cs

he told mi he envy cs cuz he had a gf lyk jt
but i will nv compare him to another guy i guess...

in fact, i juz envy jt cuz he can join them n go out wif them tght?
i envy jt cuz at least when she advises cs nt to smoke, he wldnt...

i'm envious of her rite nw ba....
n even he tinks tt she's gd...
he's nv compared mi to oth ppl..
but i guess he's already started it nw..

i dunno since when we turned out lidat...
i dunno since when he started to detest mi..
i cant bring myself to tok to him more
cuz his answers r always veri disappointing..

he can bring himself to chat gals up, to make oth gals happy....

n diz is the extent of mi knowing how much he juz wans to distant himself from mi...

r we?

2008-07-07T17:36:00.001+08:00
i feel lyk tellin him

but i dunno wad else i can say

i find tt he detests mi more n more

he dun even feel lyk tokin to mi

i dunno wad else i can do..

he juz keeps on sayin tt we're confused nw.....

2008-07-07T16:22:00.002+08:00
hmmm
great
i juz told him abt his msn logging in
he said he blked when i was over-reacting??
n he doesnt log in often (his nick spelt tt he juz logged in ytd)
hmmm..icic...

time is precious

2008-07-07T16:05:00.001+08:00
i dunno

i dunno wad i shd do

shd i juz tok to him ltr?

but i'm afraid nth gd will turn out

the get-ready mode

2008-07-07T15:58:00.001+08:00
okie
his com went into standby mode, n so as i need to use, i had to log in again
aft tt, his msn logged in
n yeap, he's blocked mi!
juz wad did i do??

i nv intend to...

2008-07-06T20:38:00.002+08:00
i nv intend to argue wif him
but i always cant stand the way he's takin things so lightly
y doesnt he even wan to tk the effort to make things up?
y doesnt he even appreciate y i'm tryin to make the effort to mae everythin last?
y can he forget abt so many things juz lidat?
how can he forget wadeva happened in the past n juz go lidat?

i nv intend to call him when i noe tt he has things on
but sths i juz dun wish to hang up cuz i noe when he said he'll tok to mi again, he will nv cal..

i dunno, sths i tink i'm juz worthless in his eyes.. he no longer has the feel for mi....
he no longer wans n bothers to bring mi out to meet his frenz....
all he can find is oth excuses nt to bring mi out.. lyk stan already made bookings, it's freda's bdae party.... things i find tt oth ppl rly wen mind, but he does mind..
alot of things r dependent on him, but it's him who keep pushin it away n juz dun wanna make any efforts for those things...

will he regret if i juz suddenly die tml? or someday? will he regret tt he's nt treatin mi nicely for at least today? will he regret tt he actually didnt wan to meet mi? will he feel bad tt we didnt spend enuff time tght on my last few days? will he feel bad abt how he tok to mi n pushed mi away?

i dunno, but i juz tel myself tt he wldnt, i guess...

even if he regrets, it might rly b too late....

2008-07-06T02:07:00.002+08:00
hai....... i dunno wad's the pnt of mi stayin up so late every nite.....

even thou i'm so tired.....

but even thou i noe he wldnt cal at all..

i'm juz waitin helplessly every nite....

but nite by nite, i haf to convince myself to slp.....

n goin to bed doesnt mean i will slp

it still means tt my phone will b rite beside mi, nt on silent mode, n waitin for a very important call to mi.........

m i wrong even to bear the hope inside mi n juz wait helplessly? m i?

n it juz keeps comin..

2008-07-06T02:01:00.002+08:00
ah shit!

陈凯琳！！为什么你那么没有用？！！

fuck.

2008-07-06T01:57:00.001+08:00
i freakin hate my life w/out him nw

period.

2008-07-06T01:44:00.001+08:00
since everythin's in diz mess, i haven been wantin to gif ppl advice at all...

i dun.... tink i'm up to it somehow?

i dunno.. or mayb there might b sth i can do/say to them, but i juz dun wan to...
it makes no pnt.. since my own r/s ended up lidat... since everythin......

i juz stopped tokin.

2008-07-06T00:36:00.001+08:00
okie nvm
i juz tot abt him again

shit.

facebook

2008-07-05T23:47:00.004+08:00
anyway!

accepted 6 new frenz on facebook juz nw...

some added mi long time ago..
but didnt accept them cuz of..... him.... but nw, i guess it shdnt make much of a diff since he doesnt even bother? plus he already has the heart to flirt n accept oth gals.... so.....

n findin new things to do on facebook nw
tinkin wad else i can do wif it... hmmm.....

hmmm he said he will tok to mi...
but he didnt
he wldnt i guess

shit. fucked up feelin comin back again

how many times a day can i get diz kind of feelin?

it juz comes.. n stops there...
n another 5mins ltr.. it comes back again

does it ever go away??

tokin abt sex n the city...

2008-07-05T22:28:00.003+08:00
was readin xiaxua's blog n i happened to c diz....

below:

'I totally hated the Sex and The City movie!!

SPOILERS, so don't continue reading if you haven't watched it yet and want to do so without knowing the ending first. I will mark the end of the spoilers with red stars.1) I hate Carrie.
I hate Carrie for cheating on Aidan. I've never forgave her, and I never will. She not only cheated 1 time on Aidan. She did so MULTIPLE times, and only stopped when Big's wife caught her, chased after her, and chipped a tooth.
She hurt Aidan AND Natasha with her selfishness and her naivety.
I hate her for being stupid enough to spend so much of her life on bad boys, thinking they will eventually reform. They won't.
I hate Carrie for the many, many other naive women out there she represents.

Do you have a friend who has been fucking a guy who either has another first priority woman (ie maybe he is married, or has a gf), or perhaps fucking a guy who doesn't want to commit to her?

We all do, and despite our repeated advice, these girls won't listen.
Why is it, we logical women lament, that these girls think so lowly of themselves?
Is it because they are constantly put down by these horrible guys, until the extent that they are convinced of their low self-worth?

DO THEY NOT DESERVE A GUY WHO IS WILLING TO GIVE HIS ALL? A guy who loves you enough to say, "You are the one" and not "I am not ready for a commited relationship right now"?

I AM FUCKING SICK OF HEARING THAT SHIT.

You fucking retarded girls listen to this, and hear it good: There can only be ONE reason why a guy will not commit to you.

HE DOES NOT THINK YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH.

He thinks that if he leaves his choices open, he can eventually find someone better. He is unwilling to seal the deal because you are not right for him. And meanwhile, you are fuckable, sure - but very dispensible.

You think you'll get your happy ending like Carrie?
YES, if you stick around for another 10 years, maybe he will marry you in a little shitty wedding (paiseh to show you off coz you will never be good enough in his mind) coz by that time, YOU TWO ARE BOTH OLD AND UNWANTED.
There are good, eligible guys out there like Aidan, and yet, women around the world are choosing Mr Bigs. WHY? Maybe because they also want to be ditched before their wedding?
It makes me so pissed off!I really resent that the show portrayed a unrealistic happy ending for women who choose these sort of guys. I resent that I am one of the few women who are smart enough to realise that sort of relationship is only destructive for you.
Please girls, do tell me you agree with me!'

link: www.xiaxue.blogspot.com

muahahaha... bolded n colored the words by myself

2008-07-05T22:15:00.001+08:00
hmm

gonna start writin a story soon

random tot while bathing...

2008-07-05T21:49:00.002+08:00
hmmm
juz nw suddenly tot....... i tink it's veri unfair tt the frenz of his, ya i noe some of them, but due to some lack of interaction, they're nt rly my frenz (since he said so himself too tt we no longer haf 'our' frenz), tt they shd juz keep their comments to themself.. yes a whole lot of them, i mean..

they dun haf to say anythin whether he shd continue seeing mi or nt.. whether he's rite in treatin mi coldly or nt.... THEY HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO SAY IN IT!

(yes, pls do notice tt i juz use full, n put everythin in RED & CAPITAL cuz i bloody mean business!)

so y do i tink so?

simply juz cuz diz is our relationship n they shd haf no fuckin problem wif it!
n yes, bear the brunt of it if they continue so.. their relationships wen get any beta too, MARK MY WORDS. seriously, tt's wad u get for tryin to put ur own comments in here n there..

or at least i noe one of them is being treated nt veri nicely already?
gd job man, seriously.
so u wanna comment?
fuckin go thru wad i've gone thru 1st, b4 u even start.
if nt, STFU abt it yeah? ty..

n i suddenly tot abt Harry Potter's chamber of secrets...

~ENEMIES OF THE HEIR, BEWARE~

hahahaha.. i sound angry?
yes i m, definitely veri angry.
i dunno since when izzit?
mayb juz nw? aft he juz ditched mi to juz wan to go out wif his fucked-up frenz?
n yes, as much as he doesnt lyk mi to dislyk his frenz, it's greatly cuz of them tt alot of things screw up (dun haf to say i still dunno the reason n there's nth i can do, come on, tt's juz wad he says. his own point of view is tt it's my fault, i shdnt dislyk his frenz.. but YEAH! FUCKIN TINK N GRILL IT INTO HIS FUCKIN BRAIN! WHO WAS THE FUCKIN IDIOTIC ONE WHO NEGLECTED MI N STILL WENT OUT WIF HIS FRENZ WIF THE ONLI REASON AS 'cuz ns is comin.' tt's juz FUCKIN WEAK REASON!).
so yes, he wen c my point of view, SO i WILL NT C HIS POINT OF VIEW!
i've given in enuff too! -> if he wans to say he's given in alot.
i've lose out on alot of things too! but does he care? no, he does nt? so y shd I???!!!
he flirts wif gals?? n loves mi alot?? wa-ha-ha-ha!!! such an irony!!! woohoo..... hahaha..
n when i told him 'so i can do the same as u?'
n he said he's past the jealousy period? n so wad kind of bf wen get jealous over all diz? fucked up rite?????

n yeap, movin on to another pnt, he will juz say n juz ask 'so y shd i listen to u?', 'so who r u nw?'
FUCKIN FUCKED-UP N IRRESPONSIBLE QUESTIONS ASKED, DUN U TINK?!!
here i m tryin to gif every effort i haf to salvage diz, but there he is juz to say all diz FENG LIANG HUA! n yes, i swear everytime he fuckin say diz, it's w/out considering how i feel n i always fuckin cry immd aft he says tt.
KNNB LA!
still can flirt wif gals! ccb!
i'm wad??? DEAD LE AH?!! fucked-up man!

yeah yeah yeah
cal mi a bitch at diz pnt of time for being able to say such things
but i'll shoot u back n say whoeva's a fuckin bastard if u continue shooting ur fuckin mouth off w/out even tinkin wad the hell r u tokin abt..
if u still wan to comment, tink again.

2008-07-05T18:53:00.002+08:00
great

nw i'm left wif no dinner

fucked-up

juz sth small n...

2008-07-05T18:46:00.001+08:00
i suddenly realised

he's rly changed....

when in the past, he'll bother to buy plasters, put it on for mi n will b rly bothered....
but nw he doesnt even bother..

fucked up

2008-07-05T17:38:00.002+08:00
yeah yeah yeah!!

plans were already discussed for tonite
supposed to haf dinner wif him, stan n gang.....
followed by seeing fireworks.....
den go kbox

BUT!!!
notice i put the word supposed?!! haha!! yeap, u might haf gotten it!

he sms:
him: wei we're nt goin kbox already. we mit on mon la. i go ah ma hse find u.
mi: den wad abt dinner? tot u said gt dinner?
him: dinner at somewhere else cuz cs gt wedding dinner
mi: huh wad's the link wif wad i juz asked u?
him: stan already made bookin so nt enuff space sorry
mi: fine. expected of u.
mi: n anyway i dun c tt addin juz another 1 person will hurt? next time, if dun wan mi to join, dun say okie in the 1st place. n dun say i dun wan to go out wif u ppl

damn fucked up rite??

knnbccb
u tink i stupid ah? ccb.
dun wan say dun wan la! fucked up, still can cook up a fuckin dumb reason..

izzit rly so bad to juz let mi go for dinner wif them??

fuck.

fuck those gals who r always bored, fuck those guys who cant stand faithful! nbcb!

2008-07-05T04:47:00.003+08:00
ahhhhhhhh
been a rather hectic day today
went to get his stuff
gave it to him..

found out tt he was flirtin over sms wif another gal? (okie there's 2 gals.. but i tink he's so fuckin obvious wif one of them?? even ask 1 of them out n she turned him down.. for diz, he said 'but in the end nv go out!'.. n i shot back bluntly, 'n tt's nt cuz u didnt ask her out, tt's cuz she rejected u!' but i'm serious.. veri true to wadeva i'm sayin.. HE WILL NV UNDERSTAND HOW I FEEL EVERYTIME THIS SAME THING HAPPENS OVER N OVER AGAIN. he doesnt even bother to ask mi out? he doesnt even wan to meet? he doesnt even wan to swt-tok wif mi.. BUT HE'S SO FUCKIN WILLIN TO DO IT WIF OTH GALS! FUCK MAN!)

so i tok abt how i felt n tt it's juz wrong?
he: i'm goin ns soon so i dun rly care le.. nth matters nw le...
mi: nth matters? nt even mi? the pnt is nt tt we broke up or wadsoeva. the pnt is how can u say u rly love mi alot but haf the heart to say such things to oth gals????
him: ya i get it.. i'm rly sry...

was rly terribly upset at tt time... i dunno y diz vicious cycle juz haf to happen over n over again..
so wad izzit tt's makin him nt tink abt consequences 1st, YET AGAIN, n juz do it again???
i simply dun get it.. stop tellin mi ur goin into ns? so wad/ big fuck? tt's nt an excuse anymore!!!

manage to solve things AT TT PNT OF TIME..

went for dinner wif him...

n ya:
he promised he will stop flirtin n will cut down on sms wif the 2 gals....

qn posted to him: i dun say such things to another guy who's nt my bf u noe?
how will he feel if i rly say those n he found out?? will he roll on the ground n shout?? NO, I DOUBT SO..

hmmmm
i dunno.. i forgave him quite readily juz nw..
but we juz tok on the phone.. (finally gt him aft so many tries damn it.. was so freakin worried cuz he wasnt feelin well at all in the 1st place, n when i called, he ans n hung up on mi. aft tt i tried a hell lot of times but none cld get thru at all! so when i finally gt thru, i was so damn relieved... hmmm.. didnt rly expect his change in attitude again) n i asked whether the 2 gals sms him or nt..
he said no? -> okie dun rly feel so.. but if i say diz again, he will say i dun believe him again... hmmm.. shd i argue y i shd since he already did tt alot of times? wad does he wan mi to do? c him someday on the streets huggin another gal n onli to realise tt they're tght?? i swear i will juz stare at them, run off n jump off! fuckin hurting, tt will b...
rite, he said will tok to mi again tml -> told him he always say so, but does he bother to cal? HE DOES NT..
always say another day, but another day wen ever come for mi ba... as usual i guess

i dunno..
thou he said he will cut down on his sms wif tt 2 gals... the impression he gifs mi is juz the opp... u can c tt he's unwilling!! u can c tt he doesnt wan to! u can c tt he detests mi n doesnt even wan to tok to mi!
fuck. m i rly so hateful?
n cant even b compared to 2 fucking gals he met at sgh?? ha-ha!
can he understand tt i rly need the concern nw? he doesnt noe i type all diz cryin, he doesnt noe anythin except to flirt wif gals?? does he noe how painful it is? does he noe how insecure i rly feel nw??? n all he's doin is nt helpin! he's juz makin everythin worse! ya, tel mi tt he still loves mi, wans diz r/s but needs time to tink abt it.. abt wad? flirtin wif oth gals?? thz but i dun need him to remind mi... he's rly nt helpin mi! ahhhh!! damn it!

i dunno, but can i say i'm nt gd enuff??
i dunno.. i dun wan to degrade myself but diz kind of things he did, rly makes mi feel diz way...

2008-07-03T23:14:00.001+08:00
o shit
nw tt i start tokin abt him, i cant get my wk started

AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

cal mi stubborn!

2008-07-03T22:33:00.003+08:00
gilch decided to haf a go at his r/s wif his gf again
at least both of them r willing to try
at least aft so much, he's willin to try again =)
veri nice feelin to c oth ppl try n nt gif up ba... mayb tt's wad i rly need nw.....
but i dun c it comin..

nonetheless, i juz feel happy for him ba! =)

on a sidenote, feelin quite happy... okie.. mayb nt so happy but tryin to smile nw..
he chased mi away ytd.. he drove mi directly out of his heart..... he even asks mi to let him go if i rly love him.. n yes, precisely i noe tt the mutual affection is there, tt's y i told him i will nt gif up.. he didnt wan to hear mi tok.. n juz said tt the efforts i'm puttin in nw r too late.. he even told mi tt he felt lyk a dog for the past yrs.. n tt i took his obedience for granted.. i COMPLETELY disagree wif diz.. cuz i did nt.. n well, he says i dun even noe wad's wrong.... when i rly juz dunno where to start abt things nw.. n he cant b bothered to tok.. he said everythin i do is onli in my interest, but he probably forgot tt diz decision he made juz goes to show he's in the same league as mi..
n i noe, hes makin things difficult for mi.. he doesnt care whether i'm havin any difficulties in life, doesnt care if i haf depression or wadsoeva.. cuz to him, he lost his self-respect long ago..
n mi? to mi, i felt tt i've lost my self-respect, attention n love..

yes i ought to b rly upset nw.. but fine, enuff abt tt.. go on tokin abt diz n i will feel terribly upset ltr..

but aft a sudden tot of wad i can do for him b4 he goes in for ns, i've turned happier..!!

anyone dunno wad's love?
to mi, it's juz doin all diz small little things ba.. n being happy from it..
even when he doesnt reply my sms, even when he gif a 'cant-b-bothered' attitude, i was juz happy when i called him juz nw(to ask him abt his ns enlisting time n sch cuz nic wanted mi to double cfm wif him so tt he feels beta tt someone he noes from young is goin in the same timing as him..)

nah, i dun care, cuz i'm happy!! it's been long..... but it's still the same, it's for him. weeeeeee........!!!!!

shall blog aft i finished doin my things tml!! goin out wif chu ting to get stuff tml!

abt wad happened ytd at bishan
was rather funny towards the end...

lalalala

2008-06-30T15:35:00.002+08:00
woooo

nobody to tok to, nobody i wan to tok to.

so i juz wrote n put it as draft in my email.

o ya n it's juz abt how dumb, how cheap i feel i m =p

cheapness for sale

2008-06-30T15:32:00.002+08:00
last min change of plans: nt goin for chalet anymore
made mi look for it lyk an idiot

ass.

in a fuckin bad mood cuz of diz n flash assignment nw.

he juz doesnt seem to care, no msgs, nth.

fuck. wad haf i gotten myself into??

god damn it.

2008-06-30T14:55:00.000+08:00
i feel lyk shoutin out loud!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

too bad i'm in lab...............................

damn it.

2008-06-30T00:21:00.001+08:00
hmm

actually haf quite some stuff to share abt ytd n today..

but will juz tok abt it tml ba..

nt rly in the mood to do so today + i'm so tired after helpin my aunt out today....